There are varying reasons couples decide to separate rather than divorce. For some, trial or legal separations are a way to “try out” what life would be like if they were to legally dissolve the marriage in a divorce. In other cases, legal separation establishes permanency to the end of the emotional and physical relationship while retaining other benefits of a legal marriage- typically financial.

While most separations do end in divorce, it isn’t always that way. So, while some people may argue that if most separations end in divorce, so why not just skip to divorce, it’s worth reviewing the alternatives if you’re on the fence about divorcing at this point in time.

Legal Separation Or Divorce? Which Makes Sense For You?

The idea of both temporary and more permanent separations has existed for as long as humans have joined together in matrimony or to raise a family. Historically, separations were a way to maintain a status quo within a cultural or spiritual community that may have frowned on divorce, while allowing two people with irreconcilable differences to live their own lives with a certain amount of freedom from one another. Now that divorce is more common and culturally acceptable, we’ve seen a rise in separation rates. 

The question for couples choosing trial or legal separations is do we repair the relationship and live like a married couple again or do we divorce and legally dissolve the marriage? According to Psychology Today, it is believed that as many as 80% of couples who separate wind up moving forward with a divorce. However, this doesn’t mean separations are irrelevant. 

There are plenty of ways the separation can still benefit the lives of the adults and children in question. When we work with couples to determine whether separation or divorce is the right decision, we evaluate various factors. 

Reasons To Consider Separation Over Divorce (For Now)

Here are some of the reasons clients opt to try separation over divorce rather than heading straight to divorce proceedings.

They just aren’t sure yet

In many cases, particularly couples who have been together for a decade or longer, they just aren’t sure. Unless there is an egregious behavior that isn’t being resolved in question – such as domestic violence, child abuse, or addiction/substance abuse issues – many people have a sense that “this too could pass,” in which case they don’t want to divorce too hastily.

I’ve never met a couple celebrating a 50- or 60-year anniversary that can’t offer several examples when they went many months or years at a time until they found their way back together – and are grateful they did. It’s this idea that permeates the decision-making of couples who are hopeful resolution will come – but that it may take space and time.

They aren’t as convinced about independent living

There is a common expression, “misery loves company.” While I never advise any client to live miserably, many have lived so long in companionship that they aren’t 100% sure whether living apart is truly better than living together in a different type of partnership. This is quite common for those who have been married for decades and raised a family together. In this case, a trial separation gives them insight into what life outside of the partnership looks and feels like. 

Health insurance

Health insurance is expensive, and many families get their insurance through one or the other parent’s employers. Without that coverage, the income discrepancy is quite large. This is one of the examples where legal separation for a longer period of time may make more sense. By legally separating – but without divorcing – couples have a way to separate the bulk of their finances for a while but agree to keep things like health insurance, retirement savings, investments, or other joint benefits accumulating jointly for maximum profitability in the long term.

Other reasons to consider legal separation

Every household is different and financial obligations or benefits are constantly a driving factor for couples who opt to remain in long-term separations rather than divorce. For example, couples with families that choose to have one parent remain at home with the children may decide to legally separate. In this way, the income is still shared between the both of them, in their separate locations, but the children still have the continuity of a stay-at-home parent. Over time, when the children are old enough, and the stay-at-home parent rejoins the workforce, they may opt to move forward with a divorce. 

Recommendations Before Separating

Regardless of whether or not you’re separating with the idea of healing the marriage because of business or financial reasons, there are three things you should do:

Meet with a family law mediator

You don’t need lawyers to file a legal separation, but you should take advantage of experienced legal advice. Together, we’ll determine the overarching goals of the separation period and come up with an estimated time period if that makes sense. 

If there are children in the picture, we’ll also discuss child custody and visitation schedules. After decades in this business, I can also provide multiple tips on how to ease into this transition in a way that supports everyone’s best interests.

Meet with a financial planner

If you’ve been married for five years or more and/or you have a family, it’s worth meeting with a financial planner to discuss the long-term consequences of separation versus divorce. It’s always good to have a third-party, objective opinion, and a fee-based financial planner can help. In some cases, clients have changed the way they handle their separation or determined a specific length of time based on what they learned from their financial advisors.

See a licensed, professional therapist

If you hope to reconcile your marriage, I recommend working with a therapist together as a couple. The separation will not be easy and it’s essential to create a safe space to work together on the hard things while also learning communication and healing tools to practice on your own. Even if you know the relationship is over and are separating for financial or business reasons, having your own therapist is a smart idea as you make your way through a difficult transition. 

Deciding Between A Separation Or Divorce? The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Can Help

Are you in the process of determining whether a separation or divorce makes the most sense for you and your family? Schedule a consultation with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone. For more than thirty years, we’ve dedicated our lives to taking the stress and trauma out of divorce, creating a safe space for couples to make legal decisions about separation, divorce, and child custody issues in a way that serves the best of the whole. We look forward to helping you see your way through.

Married couples often jump straight to the divorce option when conflicts or seemingly irreconcilable differences are such that dissolution of marriage feels like the only option. However, legal separation is also a possibility and is overlooked more and more as divorces have become easier to obtain.

Learning more about the differences between legal separation and divorce may create a different pathway forward for you, your spouse, and your family.

Difference Between Legal Separation & Divorce

Legal separation functions like a divorce in many ways. Couples typically decide to live in two separate places and can live their own lives without being accountable to the typical vows of marriage (love, honor, and monogamy). A legal separation may also involve other legal decisions associated more typically with divorce, such as:

• Division of certain assets and/or debts
• Spousal support (aka “alimony”)
• Child custody/visitation
• Child support

A legal separation is filed with the California Family Law courts, and there is no time limit on how long a couple can stay legally separated. Because you are still legally married, neither party can remarry anyone else. If you decide to pursue a divorce, you’ll move forward by filing the paperwork required for a dissolution of marriage. Once the divorce paperwork is officially filed, the divorce becomes final in six months. 

As with a divorce, we advise couples to work with a family law mediator whenever possible. In addition to saving you thousands of dollars and keeping you out of the courtroom, mediation is known for creating a more safe, amicable, and peaceful space to come to your determined agreements. Again, this is a smart step forward to keep the energy mutually respectful and positive.

5 Reasons Couples May Prefer Legal Separation

There are many reasons couples prefer legal separation to a final divorce agreement. Most of them fall under the following five categories:

You’re not sure you want a divorce (yet)

I’ve seen it all – including couples who’ve gotten divorced and remarried again. A divorce is a final and legally binding agreement. Even in the best-case scenarios, where a divorce moves forward via non-combative mediation, it is still emotionally and energetically draining. 

Sometimes, couples realize that while they are feeling divorce is on the horizon – they aren’t 100% sure it’s what they want. These individuals know they don’t want to divorce in haste or due to disagreements or hurts that time might heal. A legal separation allows them to see what life would be like if they did divorce. Also, legal separation gives them physical and emotional space to work on themselves or on their relationship. That, along with time, may be exactly what’s necessary to reconcile again.

Your religion prohibits divorce

If your religion prohibits divorce, legal separation is often viewed as the way to “get divorced without actually getting divorced.” However, it’s important to remember that the court will handle the asset/debt division, child custody/child support, and potential spousal support payments in the same way it would if you were getting a divorce. 

Your personal views or beliefs prohibit divorce

Most couples get married with the intention of never getting divorced. However, some individuals are more committed to never getting divorced than others. If you are one of those people, legal separation is a smart alternative. It gives you space and time to truly take stock and determine what is best for your personal and collective paths forward. 

That said, if your spouse doesn’t feel the same, your legal separation won’t and can’t provide protection from getting divorced. Furthermore, if one of you decides to file for a divorce (dissolution of marriage), the California courts will ultimately honor that decision, and you may wind up being divorced anyway. So, while this is a good option for you both to gain a buffer as you make your future decisions, it’s not feasible to escape divorce if that is what the other person wants.

To give the children an adjustment period

This is a gamble. Just as a couple might choose legal separation as their own cooling-off period as they decide whether or not they truly want a divorce, some couples use legal separation as an adjustment period for their children. This is a gamble. It may be worth it if you actually think there is a decent chance of reconciliation. If you are sure you’re eventually divorcing, it’s probably best to skip the legal separation and move forward with a divorce. Pretending otherwise may do more harm than good to the children’s well-being.

In my experience, children assume a legal separation will result in reconciliation and may hold fantasies that crush them later on. So while a divorce is painful and has a negative impact on most children, it’s always best, to be honest, and clear (in an age-appropriate way) about what is happening so children can get the support they need in real-time. 

Retain the financial benefits of marriage

Some long-term partners decide to take the plunge because of the financial benefits of marriage. That same idea works in reverse. I have clients who opt for legal separation over divorce because it makes more economic sense to remain married. Couples may choose legal separation to:

• Retain their married tax status
• Continue joint business interests
• Remain on one or the other’s health insurance policy
• To receive future benefits (such as retirement or social security) now or in the future

In this case, legal separation is more like a business decision than one of emotion. It works because it’s legally recognized and allows individuals to live separate lives in separate homes/locations. However, you may find that future partners aren’t entirely happy about it, which may eventually force a divorce decision down the road.

We Can Help You Decide On Legal Separation Or Divorce

If you’re in the process of deciding whether or not to get legally separated or divorced, it’s time to schedule a consultation with a family law mediator. Contact the Law Offices of Gerard Falzone to learn more about your options and to determine whether legal separation or divorce makes the most sense for your situation. 

Taking the steps necessary to leave an abusive spouse takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage. Breathe into that and know that you have a community of people here to help support you through the process. 

The priority is to keep yourself and your children safe while doing what’s necessary to legally extricate yourself from any binding relationships if necessary.

Before You Leave Your Abusive Spouse

Use the National Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP 

If you haven’t already, we highly recommend using the National Domestic Violence Hotline as often as you need. This free service can provide invaluable support for women and children, and experienced, knowledgeable, and compassionate representatives are available to answer questions, offer information, make recommendations, etc., 24 hours a day, seven days a week. 

You can contact them online here or by calling them at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 800-787-3224. 

Contact an attorney with experience handling domestic abuse cases 

The reality is that domestic abuse is a very delicate situation when it comes to leaving, separating, and divorcing a partner. Nobody understands that more than you. The problem is that many “experienced” divorce attorneys are actually not all that experienced at handling divorces involving domestic violence. As a result, they can make rookie mistakes that compromise the safety and wellbeing of their clients and families. 

Seek counsel with Bay Area divorce attorneys who have experience with domestic violence cases and who can provide sound counsel around how to protect yourself as well as helping to facilitate a swift and as drama-free divorce as possible. We can lead you through pre-divorce counseling sessions so that you are protected, safe, and ready to launch when you officially file your divorce paperwork. 

Identify and confirm a safe space to flee to 

Leaving on the spur of the moment or in the immediate aftermath of a fight is not always the best move because it leaves you little to fall back on. Often, clients who’ve done that find themselves having to return to their abusers because they have nothing with them to take that first next step. Click Here to access a list of Bay Area domestic violence organizations and shelters. Call ahead of time and they can help you make a plan. 

We can’t emphasize enough how important it is to bide your time and plan well. Secure a safe location, whether it be a local women’s shelter or a trusted friend. Under NO circumstances should you share your location with your partner. Make your move when you are calm and collected, have all of your necessary documents (birth certificate, license, passport, credit cards, a flash drive or cloud account to access your resume and contacts, cash if possible, etc.), as well as clothing, shoes, and toiletries.  

Make sure you have the following items 

We want to re-emphasize the documents and items you want to bring with you if at all possible. They will be necessary as you step into your new life, and they are also complicated to get a hold of once you are out of your home. 

• Driver’s license 
• Social security card 
• Passport/REAL ID 
• List of key contacts both printed and in some type of cloud storage (such as DropBox) so you can access it with your prepaid phone (See #7) 
• Health insurance cards 
• Bank account statements 
• Any copies of existing or former restraining orders (Don’t have a restraining order in place? Visit, Do I Need a Restraining Order, to learn more) 
• Copies of tax documents for the past three years 
• Marriage license (if you have one) 
• Your birth certificate 
• Kids’ birth certificates 
• Copy of your resume 
• Clothes (both casual and work/interview appropriate) 
• Toiletries 
• Any precious heirlooms/jewelry/etc., that is small enough to take with you 

Your credit cards and some cash are also ideal to have with you. Abusers are notorious for canceling credit cards as soon as their partner gets away, so be prepared for that. If you have the ability to get your own card, that is ideal. OR, get a cash advance on existing cards so you have working cash in case your credit cards are canceled in an effort to strop you of your resources once s/he’s learned you’ve left. 

Get a post office box 

Secure a post office box before you leave and begin having your mail forwarded there. If you can, consider using a post office or mailbox location that is out of your normal loop or routine so it isn’t as easy to trace you there. These locations are secure and there is no way your abuser can find out your new address if you don’t offer it to him/her. 

Only access your mail in full daylight, during busy times of the day, so any potential altercation will have witnesses and more access to protection from the public. 

Speak to your children’s teachers, principal, coaches, etc. 

Share your situation with the teachers, administrators, coaches, etc., in your children’s lives. Make sure they also have copies of any existing restraining orders.  

This can feel embarrassing or intimidating, but remember that your abusive spouse is the one who should be embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong. Your leaving is an act of courage, bravery, and love for yourself and your children. It will be seen as such by others and learning to grow into a lean on your expanding community will be a good first step as you begin baby-stepping into your new life. 

It’s also good for the adults in your children’s lives to know what is going on. It’s very common for children of domestic violence and/or divorce to struggle in school, withdraw socially, become more sad or angry, etc., and so knowing what is going on allows the adults in their lives to provide better and more compassionate support.  

Acquire a prepaid cell phone before leaving an abusive spouse 

These “burner phones” are exactly what you need because the calls can’t be traced. Do not share the number with anyone who might even consider giving it to your abusive spouse. If you have a moment of weakness or you suspect your abuser has found out your new number, you can ditch the old phone and get a new one.  

Call Us When You’re Ready To Leave

It breaks our heart that posts like this need to be written. That said, we are here for you whenever you need expert legal counsel or advice about your domestic abuse situation and to begin taking you through the steps to file and finalize your divorce. Contact me here at the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to schedule your free phone consultation, or call me at 510-521-9500 or 415-482-7800.

Making the decision to end a marriage can be one of the most difficult times of a person’s life. It can also be one of the most confusing.

From the legal jargon to the paperwork, there are myriad responsibilities you’ll be tasked with navigating. Unless you’re aware of the intricacies, what should be a relatively straightforward procedure could become vastly more complicated.

One of the points of contention might be understanding your options. You may be wondering what the difference is between divorce vs separation vs annulment.

Ending a marriage is ending a marriage, right? Why so many terms for it?

Today, we’re breaking down a few key characteristics of each of those options, so you can better classify which one your case falls into.

Ready to learn more? Let’s go!

Divorce vs Separation: What’s the Difference?

Let’s start simple. A divorce is the legal dissolution of marriage.

Your legal duties to your spouse will be either terminated or reorganized depending on your situation. When the process is complete, both parties are free to remarry.

There are two basic types of divorce. They include:

No-Fault Divorce

This occurs when the spouse filing for the divorce does so without blaming the other person for any specific wrongdoing. Rather, they simply claim one of these three grounds:

• Irremediable breakdown
• Irreconcilable differences
• Loss of affection

Fault-Based Divorce

Allowed by some states, this occurs when there is a specific reason prompting the divorce. These reasons could include:

• Adultery
• Abuse or domestic violence
• Abandonment
• Substance abuse

Before filing for divorce, some married couples might opt to undergo a trial separation first. There are two types of separations:

Separation by Agreement

When it comes to divorce vs separation, it’s important to understand that separation does not legally end a marriage. Rather, it just means that you and your spouse do not live together for a period of time.

This is commonly referred to as “separation by agreement.”

You’re not required by law to even live with your spouse under the same roof in the first place, so you don’t need to file with the court system to begin a separation. You will, however, need to work out any child care, bill payments, and other support issues beforehand so all parties know what’s expected of them. A family practice lawyer or mediator can help you work through these issues to make sure everything is covered.

In many cases, a trial separation period is the first step toward pursuing a divorce, though this is not always the case.

Legal Separation

Some states allow you to take your separation a step farther and apply for legal, or judicial separation.

If you’re ready for your separation to result in a major change to your marital status, you’ll need to file for a legal separation. You can do so by petitioning to a lawyer at your local Superior or Family Division Court.

During this period, you’ll live apart from your spouse on a separate property. Living under the same roof while sleeping in separate beds is not permissible.

A legal separation can last as long as a divorce (around 8 to 10 months), so be sure to plan accordingly. During this time, you and your spouse will be prohibited from marrying or beginning a domestic partnership with anyone else. Wives cannot resume their maiden names yet.

If you have minor children, you’ll iron out details around final custody and visitation rights as required. Alimony orders can come into play at this time as well.

With so much to deal with, you may question why anyone would go through the hassle of filing a legal separation over just going ahead and filing for divorce. This is because some religious or moral beliefs might make couples eschew the legal dissolution of their marriage. Thus, divorce vs separation becomes an even more conflicting and polarizing discussion in these cases.

How Does Annulment Fit In?

Let’s add another term to the mix. You may associate “annulment” with those flash-in-the-pan, 15-minute celebrity marriages, but it’s a relatively common process.

Unlike a divorce, which recognizes that a marriage occurred and then nullifies it, an annulment essentially treats the union like it never existed in the first place. Once the process is complete, each party is free to marry someone else.

The court system will determine how an annulment affects child custody, child support, matrimony, and asset division.

A couple has grounds for filing for an annulment if the marriage was:

• Incestuous
• Bigamous
• The result of force or fraudulent pretenses
• Occurred as a result of physical or mental incapacity
• Inclusive of at least one underage party
• Entered into while one spouse was already in a marriage or registered domestic partnership
• Entered into while under the influence

Annulments are usually administered to couples who haven’t been married for too long (think just weeks or months). This helps reduce the headache of dividing assets and figuring up child support.

Making Sense of the Journey Apart

Working through these issues with your significant other can be a difficult time. You’re likely feeling a ton of emotions, from grief to anxiety and everything in between.

This is where we come in.

We’re a family law practice skilled in helping people just like you understand their legal rights and make sense of the road ahead of them. From helping you understand divorce vs separation vs annulment and every legal decision in between, we’re your go-to resource.

The journey doesn’t have to be complicated, confusing or chaotic. Contact us today and let’s take that important first step together.