Category Archives: Mediation

Mediation vs Collaborative Divorce: Which Is Best?

Are you opting to forgo the courtroom and finalize a more amicable divorce on your own? Good for you!

Unless there is no way for you and your spouse to agree on major divorce tenets, such as spousal/child support, visitation, or the distribution of joint assets, it is always better to get divorced using a mediator or by coming together and collaborating.

Divorce Mediation vs Collaborative Divorce

Divorce mediation or collaboration are options you can use if you want to avoid courtroom drama and excessive legal payments and fees. Currently, the average cost of a divorce settled in the courtroom is $17,500, and many divorces cost far more than that. The ability to move forward with your divorce – and your life – without the added stress, time, and expenses is a bonus of both mediated and collaborative divorces.

Mediation

Mediation is an increasingly popular way for couples to settle family law disputes without the emotional and energetic drain of the courtroom. Mediators are neutral parties; they do not take sides. Instead, they work with both parties as a neutral educator and facilitator, informing them about common court practices and rulings and helping them to determine the wisest and fair means of settling every aspect of their divorce and/or child custody disputes.

Most mediators are paid by the hour for their consulting services. Another benefit, besides navigating a divorce as affordably and conflict-free as possible is that mediators take care of all of the legal paperwork and can file it for you, to ensure nothing is kicked back by the courts. The average divorce by mediation runs around $7,000 or less. Some couples only require a session or two to make their final decisions, which means they get divorced for $1000 or less.

Collaboration

All of the legal divorce paperwork required by the California family law courts are available for you to fill out and complete online. All county court systems also offer appointment- and walk-in free support services to review the documentation for you or answer general questions about the process.

This means you and your spouse can collaboratively work through the paperwork and create your own divorce terms without any legal assistance. That said unless you have no children and relatively few (if any) assets, I rarely recommend collaborative divorce unless your situation is very friendly.

Which is Best For Your Divorce?

The number of decisions you’ll make determines whether or not a meditative approach is better than a collaborative one. Decisions lead to complications, especially where emotions are involved, and a mediator is well-skilled in facilitating difficult discussions while providing insight as to the court’s most likely decision based on statistics.

On the flip side, if you’ve only been married a few years, have no property to speak of, and there are no children in the mix, a collaborative divorce may be just the thing to quickly move through the paperwork and file it with the court. It may still be worth paying a paralegal or mediator to review the final documents to make sure they’re filled out accurately. Even the smallest of paperwork errors leads to the courts kicking the documents back for you to correct and refile, which gets cumbersome.

I recommend using a mediator when there are more complicated things to work out.

NOTE: If there are children involved, mediation is the way to go. Your children deserve to have the most legally accurate and smooth experience possible. Your decision now to hedge one way or the other to “keep the peace” can backfire when both parties move on and you all embark on the new path. Mediators prioritize the children’s health and wellbeing throughout the divorce so you can make decisions that are in their best interest at all times.

If any of the following apply to you, investing in a mediator can save you exponentially throughout the divorce process and afterward:

Spousal support (or not)
Child support
Child custody/visitation
Decisions about who’s keeping the house and what that looks like
Dividing assets outside of California’s 50/50 community property laws
Etc.

Sometimes old patterns rear up even in the most well-meaning of people. I’ve seen clients who were willing to sign off on a fair amount of their entitled assets “just to be done with it and move forward.” While this may seem ideal in a collaborative divorce model, those decisions can come back to haunt you.

Should your ex-spouse decide things were unfair or his/her story changes later on and it turns out they felt pressured at the time or were too distressed to make sound decisions, you could wind up in a divorce court to iron things out with a judge.

Benefits of Using a Mediator

There are multiple benefits to using a mediator for your divorce, including:

The process is smoother, less fraught with fights or stress, and almost always healthier for children and the larger family dynamic.
Now you have a known ally who you can hire again and again over the years to provide sound legal advice in case you need to come back to the table to modify child custody or support issues.
You have the opportunity to work methodically through all of the same questions a divorce lawyer would, but at the same time in mediated settings so it’s faster and more affordable.
Gain insight into whether a judge is likely or not to support your stance, vs. your spouse’s, to make fair decisions across the board.

Would you like to work with a Bay Area divorce mediator with a proven track record for helping couples move through their divorces with as much compassion, gentleness, and respect as possible? Schedule a consultation with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone.

How To Deal With Same-Sex Divorce In California

People assume that because same-sex marriage is legal in Calfornia, same-sex couples have the same issues as their heterosexual counterparts when it comes to divorce. This is not the case. There are few ways in which dealing with same-sex divorce in CA requires proactive planning and preparation.

These tips will also help you if you are ending a legal domestic partnership.

What To Know About Same-Sex Divorce In California

Here are some of the things that can help you prepare for your divorce when both parties are the same sex.

Are you legally married? Or are you domestic partners?

Longtime couples often forget that their well-established legal domestic partnership, or that under-the-radar “marriage ceremony” in a friends’ backyard (pre-legalization of same-sex marriage), are not always viewed the same as established legal marriages.

If you actually established your legal domestic partnership (LDP) with the state of California, the state considers you legally married. It is worth locating and making copies of all official documentation so you have proof of your partnership/marriage status as you move forward.

If you only established your domestic partnership with your company as a way to reap medical or retirement benefits, or it was recognized by city/county/or other entities – but your legal domestic partnership was never legalized by the state of CA – your dissolution of assets is not considered a legal divorce.

It’s always best to consult a divorce attorney and bring any official/legal documentation pertaining to your domestic partnership and/or marriage for the attorney’s review.

The length of time you’ve been together can be a factor in same-sex divorce

The length of time a couple has been married can impact two important factors. The first is the amount of alimony to be paid (if it is to be paid at all). Second, the length of time you have been married also determines which assets fall into the community property pot, and which are retained by the individual (called “separate property”).

Because many same-sex couples were together and cohabitating for years or even decades before same-sex marriage was legalized back in 2008. The time you cohabitate prior to your legal marriage or DLP date may be taken into consideration when it comes to the division of assets or benefits, as long as the two of you can agree to the exact length of time you’ve been together.

Legal parentage is not automatically assumed

Unless both of you have already moved through the family legal system to establish legal parental rights to your child(ren) your parenthood is not “assumed” during the divorce. In the case of a child that is born into a heterosexual marriage, the courts assume both parents are the legal parents. That is not the case for same-sex marriages.

Same-sex couples who go through fertility treatments or other means to have a child should take the steps necessary to legally establish parental rights. If you are not legally recognized as your child(ren)’s parent, you should take those steps ASAP. Clearly establishing your parental rights is essential before you can move forward with legal custody and visitation agreements.

Keep in mind that divorce is exceptionally hard on children, and can negatively impact their emotional wellbeing as well as their physical health, sense of self-worth, and divorce is known to negatively affect their academic pursuits. For this reason, we highly recommend working with a family law mediator to make the process as calm, compassionate, and smooth as possible for everyone involved.

We also recommend reading some of our blog posts pertaining to divorce and child custody, including How to Prepare for Child Custody Mediation, How to Talk With Your Kids About Divorce, and, Tips for Co-Parenting After a Divorce.

Dividing retirement assets

There are still some lasting vestiges from the Defense of Marriages Act. As a result, you and your spouse may need to take extra-legal steps to divide your retirement assets (typically considered “community property” from your marriage date or the agreed-upon date as per #2).

The IRS states:

“If [a retirement plan’s] terms are inconsistent with [United States v.] Windsor or Revenue Ruling 2013-17, a retirement plan must . . . [be] amended to comply with Windsor and Revenue Ruling 2013-17. For example, a plan must be amended if it defines ‘spouse’ by reference to section 3 of DOMA, or only as a person of the opposite sex.”

An experienced divorce attorney will work with you to ensure this is taken care of as per your divorce agreement and settlement.

Work with a mediator first

The divorce process is painful and stressful, even in the “best” of situations. Family law mediators work with couples and their families to mitigate tension, learn about the typical court process, and to save thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal and court fees.

We always recommend that clients work with us through a mediation process first, only hiring us as divorce attorneys if you are not able to come to an agreement via mediation. Read, The 10 Most Common Divorce Mediation Questions & Answers to learn more.

Schedule A Consultation

Would you like to ensure everyone’s rights are respected and attended to during your same-sex divorce in California? Schedule a consultation with me here at the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone.

Why Divorce Mediation Is The Best Way To Handle Child Custody

why divorce mediation is the best way to handle child custody

When parents decide to end their marriage, the divorce can have a number of psychological effects on the children involved. These include stress, anger, fear, and guilt.

Many of these feelings are exacerbated by the resulting custody battle. That’s why it’s up to the parent to make the process as pain-free for the kids as possible.

One way to do this is to opt for divorce mediation instead of a traditional divorce. This involves coming to an agreement on your terms outside the courtroom. A mediation attorney will guide you and your spouse to amicable solutions.

Divorce Mediation And Child Custody

This approach is much easier for your children when it comes to establishing custody. Let’s look at how everyone benefits.

Keep your children’s best interests in mind

The most important aspect of any child custody case is that the child’s best interests take precedence over anything else. You can achieve this much easier through divorce mediation.

By working together, you’ll be able to form a healthy visitation schedule. This means your children and you will have ample time together. You can also form a schedule that will provide the least amount of inconvenience for all parties.

With the help of a mediator, you can form a parenting plan that benefits your children’s development and emotional well-being. You’ll also be able to establish who’s responsible for financial necessities related to the children.

This is a much healthier situation than battling for custody terms in the courtroom. In these cases, parents often forget how their decisions will impact the children. In addition, the final decision is often made by the judge rather than the parents.

Protect your children from negative emotions

Divorce mediation is all about cooperation. The goal is to come to a common ground and work through your differences amicably. This makes for a much more civilized atmosphere.

On the other hand, traditional divorces are often fueled by anger. This can create a very negative environment at home. Your children will inevitably feel these negative emotions.

In addition, children can get dragged into the proceedings during a traditional divorce. This could mean appearing in court and testifying in front of a judge.

Mediation is a much quieter approach. You and your spouse can work out the custody terms with the guidance of a mediator. They’ll help keep you on track and can step in if tensions arise.

A cost-effective solution

During mediation, you and your spouse only need to hire one attorney to help you through the process. In addition, you’re not spending time fighting for terms in the courtroom. This is a money-saver for both parties.

Traditional divorce proceedings have the potential to carry on and on. This is especially true if each party continues fighting for the terms they want. In this case, both parties must continue to pay their attorneys.

However, if you opt for mediation, you can split the cost of hiring a single attorney. Furthermore, you’ll likely come to a solution much quicker than if you battle for custody rights in front of a judge.

Keep in mind that you’ll soon be financially independent. Doesn’t it make more sense to save money for you and your child’s future?

Mediation is less stressful

Regardless of the way you approach your divorce, this is a stressful time. However, engaging in mediation can make the transition much easier.

Stress can affect the way you interact with your child. This could lead to tension and problems at home.

A mediator’s job is to walk you through the process and allow you and your spouse to see the big picture. They’ll help you resolve conflicts and avoid negative emotional reactions.

Mediation will also help you come to a custody arrangement that’s less stressful for your children. This is critical during this trying time.

Remember, this is a passing phase in you and your child’s life. Instead of fighting, do your best to set a foundation for a hopeful future.

Avoid parental alienation

During traditional divorces, it’s common for parents to slander each other in front of the children. They may blame certain things on their ex-spouse or say things that could cause the children to see that parent in a different light.

This is called parental alienation. Sometimes a parent doesn’t realize they’re doing it and sometimes it’s intentional. Regardless, it has a negative impact on the child-parent relationship.

When two parents choose to mediate through their divorce, they’re less likely to engage in parental alienation. Working through their differences together instead of fighting will ease any resentment they feel towards each other.

A mediator can also help them understand how much of an impact the divorce has on their children. There’s a much better chance a couple will keep this in mind when parenting individually.

Set the stage for a healthy future

Regardless of the way you choose to settle your divorce, one thing is certain – this is the beginning of a new life for you and your children. Mediation is a great way to start that new life.

When you work with your spouse on a healthy custody plan that benefits everyone, you’re setting the stage for future cooperation. You’ll come away from your divorce knowing you can communicate effectively in order to solve problems.

Co-parenting isn’t always easy. You’re bound come to some hurdles along the way. However, forming a solid understanding of each other will help you and your children move on from the divorce and work toward a healthy future.

Mediation will also show you that fighting only causes additional problems and creates stress for you and your children.

Consider Divorce Mediation When Developing A Custody Plan

Your children’s future is the most important aspect of your separation. Unfortunately, traditional divorce proceedings don’t always allow patents to operate with the best interests of the children in mind.

Instead, consider divorce mediation and come to an amicable agreement that benefits your children.

If you and your spouse have decided to separate and need help to come to a custody agreement, we can help. Contact us for family law representation today.

The 10 Most Common Divorce Mediation Questions And Their Answers

the 10 most frequent divorce mediation questions and their answers

Every human that has gone through this is emotionally wrapped around these issues and feels like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. But Huffington Post says, when you are going through this, prepare to “engage your brain” and not your emotions. Divorce mediation alleviates many of those burdens.

If you’ve reached the point of ending a marriage through legal means, then it’s time to put your rational hat on, as that will make the process easier, and less expensive.

Any lawyer will tell you, it’s only logical.

You’ve Got Questions!

Here are answers to the top 10 most common divorce mediation questions that will have you grabbing for that hat, and breathing a sigh of relief.

What is divorce mediation?

Divorce mediation is a popular process used by two spouses in divorce to avoid a costly and lengthy divorce trial. All of the issues from property matters to custody sharing that would get negotiated in a divorce suit would be negotiated in with the assistance of a mediator, without the traditional costly legal expenses of divorce court.

If you hire a lawyer for a custody or divorce suit, you are going to be paying for every single piece of paper your divorce lawyer touches in your case and billed for every email of complaint you send to them, and more. You’ll be paying a mediator an hourly rate and will meet with them a few times. Even the cost of mediation can be mediated.

So if your lawyer charges $300 an hour, they may bill you one-tenth of an hour for every email you send them. Thirty-dollar emails to complain about someone aren’t in every person’s family budget. That doesn’t happen in divorce mediation.

How does mediation work?

Once two parties have agreed they are going to divorce, they may then discuss the “how” of it. In many cases, one party will suggest mediation right off the bat. At this point, a mediator is hired, and you would hire your mediator in the same way you would hire any other legal party in your case. Review, research, rate, and then hire. Ask as many divorce mediation questions that you can before you sign a retainer obligation, with anybody.

The mediator will then meet with you both. Most of your divorce mediation questions will be answered in that first meeting. Everybody’s expectations and potential outlooks will be discussed, as will your responsibilities. In mediation, you hash out everything you would in divorce court, in a less formal and more comfortable way.

This will include parenting plans, real estate arrangements, support matters, and everything else you can think of that you would settle in divorce court. Generally, a timeline is established, after which time an agreement is made which is then taken to the court to be made official.

How long does mediation take?

You’ll have an idea of when this is going to end and what your possible outcomes will look like early in the process. This is something you do not get when you launch a full-scale divorce suit that will end up in a trial. Mediate reports that in 2005, the average mediation process was settled in 90 days.

In a divorce trial, you begin the process wondering what you and your children’s future will look like and you may not have those answers for years. Even the best divorce lawyer in the world can only tell you what to expect in divorce court, but that nothing is a guarantee and you and your children’s futures are in the hands of someone else now.

Is mediation the answer for everybody?

The simple answer is no. Mediation is about a group of people getting together to solve a problem, and all parties need to be solutions-oriented when they go into it. The same is expected of them in divorce court, but in a more formal fashion, and that formality takes time and costs money.

When a marriage is ending due to power imbalances, vengeful parties, or an unwillingness to even end the marriage on one side, mediation is going to be problematic.

However, California is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce, and that means if one party wants a divorce it is going to happen, even if one party is rigid on the topic.

Domestic abuse is often cited as a reason to forego mediation. Divorce can also be very vengeful. On top of the emotional grips of a broken heart, there are children and a legal matter now on the table. The concept of “winning” too often overlooks the concept of a sound exit plan. Sometimes people don’t want to get divorced due to any or all of these issues. In these cases, mediation is not the best plan.

Will my vengeful spouse change through mediation?

This is situation specific. Often times the harsh realities of legal bills and judges lend to a change of heart for vengeful parties. In many cases a vengeful party will opt to sue for divorce and serve the other party with glee, claiming, “I can’t wait until a judge sees what you’ve done!”

Truth be told, that may not happen for as long as 18 months, or even longer. They may change their minds when a lawyer charging them $500 an hour tells them that revenge will be a dish served very, very cold, and an expensive one at that.

Custody plans that you want when Suzy is 9 may need to be completely different when she turns 11 and has a social life. Without divorce mediation, the reality is that you may never see the light of a courtroom until then. At the same time, in a divorce trial, you run the risk of a judge determining the future of your child.

If you want control of the process, divorce mediation is a good choice, but only if it is safe to do so and the mediation process is agreed upon and welcomed by both parties.

Is mediation expensive?

Ending a marriage and determining the future of minor children is a legal process and legal matters always come with a cost. In mediation, you control that cost. Divorce mediation is not nearly as expensive as a divorce case or custody suit that is going to trial. Having a separation agreement before mediation can lessen the costs of mediation even more.

A trial alone in divorce court could cost you thousands a day. A mediator will charge you hourly, and you only pay for your time with them. It could cost between five and 10 thousand dollars. Comparably, Straight.com notes that one divorce hearing alone could cost that much, with a five-day court hearing costing $50,000 in some cases.

In some divorce matters, one party winds up paying the costs of the other party. So your already heaping costs have the potential to double. This could happen in mediation as well, but not nearly at the expensive rate of a $50,000 (or more) divorce court process.

Is your revenge, bitterness, or heartbreak really worth a five-figure invoice? That’s college tuition for many kids today, or a few nice beach vacations to get your mind off of this major change in your life and create lifelong memories for the time you have with your kids.

Is mediation public?

No. This is another advantage of divorce mediation. You meet with your mediator as often as established and finalize an agreement both parties are happy with. None of that is public record. In the end, you take that agreement to court to make it an official order, and that is the only public record on your divorce.
The exception to this may be when a divorce mediation is court-ordered. In that event, all matters prior to mediation will be public record.

Do I still need a lawyer?

Ending a marriage is a legal process. You will be signing binding legal documents at the end that determines your future, and the future of your children if you have any. That will then go to court where it becomes a court order. You never want to go to court without legal advice, even if it’s just a matter of having an agreement made formal. It is an additional expense, but when you consider that this is the rest of your life, it’s one well worth it.

If mediation is becoming a high-conflict situation, being represented by someone more rational about the situation than you are is always beneficial. Many couples today have both lawyers and mediators, and the process is still less expensive.

A lawyer that isn’t dealing with heartbreak on top of legal fights and is fighting for your rights could even make the mediation process go smoother and sometimes even faster. It’s all situation specific, every case will be different.

Is mediation legally binding?

Once your matter goes before a judge and the seal has been set on your mediation agreement, this is a contract that is legally binding.

So for example, if you run into problems with custody sharing, real estate conflicts, or things of this nature after your entire divorce is finalized, any enforcement agencies you work with to resolve those conflicts will refer to this order as law. The mediation agreement is a more informal and less expensive process, but it is a serious one, and legally binding once the process is complete.

What are the biggest benefits of mediation?

Mediation sends the message that you are willing to conduct a legal matter in a rational and concessional way. In addition to the costs savings, the courts love it when they see a mediation matter come to the table. The court system today is clogged, and family law is always an emotionally wrenching situation.

Judges don’t want to see people arguing over 70 pages of nasty text messages, and they don’t want to spend all night the night before reading that nonsense either. They want to see clean facts aligned with the law, and parties that are conducting themselves reasonably and in line with the best interests of all involved, particularly the children.

When you bring a mediation matter before a judge, you are alleviating the court system of further stress, and no judge will ever hold that against you.

Should You Go To Divorce Mediation?

Only you can answer that question on divorce mediation. When you are undergoing this legal matter, however, it never hurts to investigate the process. Keep the emotions out of it, and you will find that when it comes to weighing the benefits and risks, divorce mediation is quicker, less expensive, and more beneficial for all parties.

Get common divorce mediation questions answered in a free consultation with California attorney Gerard A. Falzone.

Divorce Mediation vs Divorce: Which Is Best For You And Your Ex?

divorce mediation vs divorce which is best for you and your ex

When starting a marriage and family, nobody expects things to end in divorce. Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life. Between 40 and 50 percent of U.S. marriages end in divorce. If you are apart of that statistic you now need to debate, divorce mediation vs divorce.

The practice of family law has come a long way. Couples that wish to end their marriage amicably can do so through the process of mediation. This process has become quite popular over the last decade.

Of course, mediation isn’t for everyone. Some situations require litigation.

Divorce Mediation vs Divorce

If you and your spouse are facing divorce, you should understand your options before moving forward. Let’s discuss the difference between divorce mediation vs divorce.

What is Divorce Mediation?

During any divorce, some level of negotiation is necessary. Depending on the situation, this could involve property ownership, distribution of assets, and child custody.

The goal of mediation is to negotiate the sensitive elements of a divorce outside of court. Couples do this by hiring a mediator to guide them through the process.

The mediator acts as a neutral third party and helps you and your spouse come to an amicable resolution. Their role isn’t to make these decisions for you, but to help you and your spouse determine what’s best for you and your children.

At the end of mediation, you and your spouse will have come to an agreement regarding the details of your divorce and can then finalize the paperwork. This is often done with attorneys present as well.

Let’s break down some of the details of the process.

The Mediation Process

Once you’ve hired a divorce mediator, you’ll schedule your first meeting. Keep in mind the process will likely take several sessions.

At the initial meeting, you and your spouse will each get to speak openly about the situation. This gives the mediator a better sense of where each party stands.

The mediator will then ask any questions they have if anything is unclear. They’ll make sure everyone is on the same page with regard to information pertaining to the divorce.

You’ll then discuss the areas in which you and your spouse agree and disagree. This will give the mediator a sense of what needs to get resolved through negotiation.

There’s a good chance you’ll need to gather some information after the initial meeting. This could include property or asset information.

Coming to an Agreement

The second stage involves negotiating terms in order to come to a resolution both you and your spouse agree on. The mediator may choose to tackle the easier issues first and move on to more complex matters down the road.

During this stage, conflict may arise between you and your spouse. This is when your mediator will step in and help you brainstorm ideas in an effort to come to a resolution.

The mediator will also push you to be open with each other and express your opinions and emotions. They’ll help you understand the value of listening to your spouse’s option, even if you don’t agree with it.

Your mediator will also help you come to a compromise that benefits both parties. Once you’ve reached an agreement on each element of the divorce, you can start wrapping things up.

Benefits of Mediation

One of the most beneficial elements of divorce mediation is that it’s much less stressful on the children. It promotes a more peaceful resolution in which parents have a chance to think about their children’s best interests.

Mediation is also much more cost effective than traditional divorce. You avoid having to pay an attorney for lengthy litigation.

You’ll also end your divorce on relatively good terms. This is beneficial if you have to continue working with your spouse to parent your children.

Traditional Divorce

During the traditional divorce process, each party hires their own attorney. The attorneys will negotiate on behalf of their clients to try to get the outcome they desire.

When the attorneys can’t reach an agreement, the process moves to the courtroom and litigation begins. Each attorney will prepare their case to present in front of a judge.

This may even involve bringing in witnesses and other experts. In some cases, the children may even have to get involved and become a part of the court proceedings.

A family law judge will hear the arguments and decide on the outcome. They’ll dictate all the details, including child custody, support, the division of assets, and parenting requirements.

When Is Traditional Divorce The Best Option?

Although divorce mediation allows the parties to come to a peaceful agreement, sometimes it simply won’t work.

In some instances, one spouse is intent on intimidating and bullying the other. They feel that if they do this enough, they’ll get whatever outcome they desire. In these situations, the party that’s getting bullied may need an attorney to help them stand up for their rights.

Sometimes emotion gets in the way and makes mediation impossible. One spouse may either lash out at the other or refuse to communicate at all. Many times this happens when adultery has taken place and the victimized spouse is either hurt or angry.

If one spouse is attempting to hide assets or cover up information, litigation is required. In these situations, one party may be so determined to be the victor, they’ll do anything to keep the marital assets.

Another common reason for a traditional divorce is when one party either leaves or makes themselves difficult to contact. This could be intentional or because of other personal issues such as a drug or alcohol problem. In these cases, a court will need to intervene.

Divorce Mediation vs Divorce, Which Will You Choose?

Divorce is a stressful and emotional process, regardless of how you go about it. However, if you and your spouse feel you can come to a peaceful resolution, consider mediation.

When this isn’t an option, a traditional divorce proceeding may be necessary. Knowing the difference between divorce mediation vs divorce will help you decide what’s best for you.

We provide a wide range of family law services in Alameda and surrounding areas. Contact us today.

9 Common Divorce Mediation Myths Debunked

9 common divorce mediation myths debunked

By the time a couple decides to get a divorce, they’ve already been through an emotional cactus patch. The process of the divorce itself can be just as brutal. In fact, some couples put off a divorce too long for the simple reason that they hate the idea of litigation.

In many cases, mediation can be a great alternative than a battle of lawyers. The primary advantage most couples see in mediation is the lower price tag. In fact, it can cost less than one-tenth the price of divorce litigation.

So why do so many couples still choose litigation? There are plenty of divorce mediation myths floating around about mediation that turn off many great candidates. Today, our experts are setting the record straight.

Divorce Mediation Myths Debunked

Before you start shopping for a lawyer, make sure you know the truth behind these mediation myths.

You have to be friendly with your ex to mediate successfully

Plenty of people say, “I don’t get along well enough with my ex to have a productive division of assets.” These people often forget an important element to the mediation: the mediator.

A mediator has experience in the art of helping two conflicting parties find common ground. If they do their job well, they’ll keep your conversations on track and be a “referee” to help you come to agreements.

With that in mind, there are still some couples that can’t make mediation work. In cases of spousal abuse or if there’s a fear of physical violence, mediation may not be a good idea.

Lawyers recommend against mediation because you won’t get a good settlement

There are two misconceptions in that divorce mediation myth. First, many lawyers do recommend trying mediation before litigation. They’ve seen its benefits and how it can reduce the emotional damage of a divorce. They’ve also seen that it can provide just as fair of a settlement as litigation can.

If a lawyer recommends against mediation, it’s important to question why. Chances are that they’re trying to get more money out of you.

Mediation means giving up

To some couples, “I want to mediate” translates to “I’m not willing to fight for what I deserve.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, it’s a sign of maturity that you want to put yourself and your ex on a level playing field.

Mediation allows you just as much of an opportunity to stand up for what you deserve. In fact, 90% of divorce mediations are successful, so you have a great chance to reach a fair settlement.

Anyone can be a mediator, so there’s no way to tell the good from the bad

It’s true that there are plenty of unqualified people who sell themselves as mediators. However, it’s easier to find the good ones than you may think.

Look for a mediator with strong knowledge about your state’s divorce laws. For instance, find a lawyer who is also a mediator. Find out how much mediation training and experience your mediator has. Ask for references from past clients as well.

The mediator will rush me to make major decisions before giving me time to do research

Divorce mediation myths like this are common, but in reality, you’ll have just as much time to analyze and value your assets as you would with litigation. You can each take all the time you need to bring in appraisers and other experts who can evaluate your assets.

The one exception is if you think your ex is hiding assets or will try to hide assets. In this case, litigation may be best so your lawyer can investigate and find the hidden assets.

The mediator will try to pressure us to save the marriage

This all depends on what mediator you hire. Some “mediators” think of themselves more as marriage counselors who are trying to get you back together.

Be clear with your divorce mediator that reconciliation is not an option. If at any point they brag about how many couples have reconciled during mediation, run the other way.

I won’t have as much of an opportunity to fight for my kids in mediation

This is simply not true. In fact, mediation is one of the best things you can do for your kids. Court battles can be more painful for kids than parents realize.

In mediation, you’ll have plenty of time to come up with a custody agreement that works for everyone. For many exes, during the process, they come to respect the other person more as a responsible co-parent so they can remain more civil for their kids.

The exception to this is if you think your ex would provide an unsafe home for the kids. It’s rare that a couple agrees upon full custody for one parent in mediation.

Mediation will draw out the process longer

The opposite is actually true. If you compare how long mediation takes to how long litigation takes, mediation is almost always the faster course. If you want to settle the divorce and get on with your lives, mediation is probably the way to go.

Mediation Puts More Work on Your Shoulders

Some people see divorce mediation as putting the negotiating work on their shoulders rather than a lawyer’s shoulders. While that’s true to some degree, litigation doesn’t tend to save you much time in the process. Chances are that you’d spend as much time talking to your lawyer in litigation as you would spend at the mediation table.

In fact, many couples like the added control they have over the process when they mediate.

The Mediator Could Take My Ex’s Side, and Then I’m Stuck With Nothing

A mediator’s job is to remain neutral rather than fighting for one side or another. It’s important to recognize that the mediator doesn’t make any of the decisions: you do.

Even if you felt that a mediator was being unfair, it’s easy to fire your mediator and choose another mediator instead. If you choose, you and your ex can keep the agreements you’ve already made and pick up with the new mediator where you left off.

Choosing Between Divorce Mediation And Litigation

There’s no doubt about it: divorce is an uncomfortable and unpleasant process. For many couples, though, mediation can go a long way toward a more amicable process and a fair solution that leaves you with less emotional baggage. Now that you know the truth behind these divorce mediation myths, you can make an informed choice.

If you’re ready to start working through your divorce, reach out to our law offices and allow us to debunk all those divorce mediation myths.

Preparing And Organizing Your Divorce Mediation List

preparing and organizing your divorce mediation list Your marriage is over. Now what? You know you don’t want a nasty in-court divorce procedure, but what is divorce mediation really like?

In short, it’s the most amicable choice. You don’t have to be best friends with your soon-to-be ex during the mediation process, but you do have to be friendly.

Both parties need to agree to this method and willingly participate in the sessions.

Before you start making your divorce mediation list, talk to your partner about logistics. Who will pay the mediation fees? Will it be split it down the middle?

You could agree that the person who makes more pays or the person who asked for the divorce pays. It’s one hundred percent up to you and your personal situation.

Making Your Divorce Mediation List

Once you’ve found a mediator, figured out the fees, and glanced at the process, it’s time to start your divorce mediation list.

The Master List

While you’re together, make a list of your assets. Every single one! Don’t denote which asset belongs to who or who they’ll go to – just make a comprehensive list.

This doesn’t have to be everything you own, but it should be things you care about. Property, vehicles, bank accounts, credit cards, insurance policies, anything worth dividing up.

If you’ve collected an intensive DVD collection and it means a lot to you, count that. This major list of things you’ve collected during your lives together will save a lot of headaches.

Your mediator can help divide them up equally or come up with solutions you weren’t aware of. It cuts down on tension and makes the outlook of your divorce clear.

Records

Once you have your list of assets and property, move on to records. What proof is there of your life together?

We’re talking about proof of income, house titles, car titles, social security, joint accounts – anything and everything. What are your ongoing expenses? If you’re separated, look at the bills from the last time you weren’t.

What were you spending on bills, loans, insurance, gas, groceries, and the like? Having as much information as you can will help you fill out your financial affidavit with ease.

If you fill it out and a court finds you were trying to hide an asset, they’ll hold that against you. Remember, things you sign are legally binding documents.

You need to be forthright with the truth or it could halt your divorce process.

Make An Issues List

With the logistical stuff jotted down, you can approach some touchier issues. You don’t have to figure them out on your own, that’s what your mediator is for!

This issues list can hold a wide range of things. What are you concerned most about in the divorce? We’ll make a separate list for children later.

Are you concerned about living situations? Cost of living and alimony? What about holidays, relationships with in-laws, and extended family time.

Do you expect to have family events together? Is your ex invited to family reunions, if they attend with the kids? Does it feel fair to cut them off if you have a large extended family they’re close with?

Get all your deep dark fears out on the paper. They’re not doing you any good circling around your mind. You don’t even need them to be in question form.

If they’re not something you’re willing to discuss yet or don’t know how to approach, do this on your own. Write down, I’m scared that ___ will happen after we divorce.”

These are things you can address with your mediator, therapist, or partner one on one. Putting them down on paper helps them transfer from your emotional mind into your logical one.

It may not solve your worries, but it should start to make them easier to process.

The Kid List

If you have children or fur babies, you’re likely worried about how your divorce will affect them. That’s relevant and you’re a good, loving parent for wanting to make it easier on them.

Studies show that it’s better for children to see an amicable divorce than to continue to be in a high-conflict household. Hopefully, that makes you feel better about your choice.

Things to think about and put on this list are:

Custody Agreements

If you’re separating with kids, neither of you will have full custody, unless it’s a very bad situation. Even if someone has more time than the other, you’re still co-parents.

How will you address changes in home locations? Will you try to live close to each other so your move doesn’t affect zoning? What about neighborhood friends and afterschool activities?

Who will take who where and when?

If you decide to hire a nanny, is that a cost that you two split or is it up to the individual co-parent to pay the nanny on their time?

Holidays are another matter. Who gets Christmas and Thanksgiving? Birthdays? You can alternate, but make sure the system is in place.

Do not bring your kids into this discussion yet. If they’re old enough, you should involve them in the process, but not until you have a better grasp of what will happen.

The List of Lists

Along with the specific lists in this article, here is a general grouping of things you should discuss:

Legal Child Custody
Finances
Child-related finances
Pets
Property and money
Insurance
Group debt
Guardianship and Wills
Alimony or Support
Housing Situations
Medical expenses
A list of non-negotiables

Make a list of things neither of you is willing to give up. Each person should make their divorce mediation list alone and then you can discuss them together.

If you have clashing non-negotiables, bring this up with your mediator. They’ll help you find a solution.

Following Through

A divorce is a messy process. You can make a divorce mediation list, but the general task doesn’t get easier.

Trust that yourself and your partner are making the right decision to separate and try to be kind. You will get through this and you’ll adjust to your new realities.

If you have children, show them how to handle disagreements with love and understanding. It may not heal their hurt, but it’ll shape their expectations of love.

None of this is possible without a good mediator. You can’t do it all yourself, at least not without losing your mind. Our specialists have helped many families become separate units and we can help you too!

All you have to do is call us.

How Long Does It Take To Divorce Through Mediation?

how long does it take to divorce through mediation If there is a divorce looming in your near future, you’re probably feeling a whole host of emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety, and stress are just a few of the things on that list. And when the thought of all the necessary business of divorce hits you, you probably feel exhausted to boot.

But divorce doesn’t have to be a lengthy process. If you and your spouse are amenable, you can decide to mediate your way through this difficult time rather than go through painful litigation.

Exactly how long does divorce through mediation take? We’ll discuss that and more today.

What Is Mediation?

Mediation is a process of divorce that allows both parties to take control. Instead of leaving the decisions up to a judge, you will be able to make the choices for your own future.

This method is especially good for parents and people who will need to continue to co-exist despite the divorce.

In addition to being faster and easier than a traditional divorce, divorce through mediation has a higher rate of compliance because both parties came to terms on the agreement together.

How Does It Work?

A mediated divorce involves a person called a family law mediator. This is a person trained to help people resolve their divorce issues. They act as the communication between the couple.

The mediator’s job is to make sure that everyone has their chance to speak without being interrupted. He helps clarify the points that both parties make and asks questions to keep the conversation on track with clear communication.

The mediator will also give you information about how the legal system works and what alternatives you can take to avoid them.

In general, you, your ex, and the mediator will get together in a couple of sessions that range in length from one to two hours.

The first meeting is when you will point out the things that need to be talked about and how important they are. It’s also where you will find out all of the paperwork you will need to gather up in order to speed the process along.

From there on, you’ll use each meeting to talk about the different compromises you need to make in order to meet everyone’s needs. The mediator gives information about the legal system and helpful hints for how other people have handled similar problems.

Eventually, you will meet an agreement and the mediator writes it up for you and your lawyer to approve.

How Long Does It Take?

The answer to this question varies because every marriage and every divorce is different. If you have a lot of assets that you need to divide, or if you and your spouse have a hard time seeing eye to eye, it could take a lot longer.

However, if you can both come to terms pretty easily, you could be looking at a very short process.

One of the major benefits to divorce through mediation is the fact that you won’t have to appear in court. This cuts down on the length of time considerably.

In general, easier cases take about three or four two-hour sessions that the mediator spreads out over a course of a month or so.

Here are a few of things that impact the length of divorce through mediation.

Your Assets

If you have a lot of things that you need to divide, it could take a while. There are more decisions to make.

Likewise, if you’ve come to an agreement on pretty much everything and just have one or two things to work out, the process could go smoothly.

Children

There’s no nice way to put it: children make divorce difficult. People are usually willing to compromise when it comes to financial matters. But when you add children to the mix, it gets sticky.

Expect to spend a while in mediation when it comes to the custody of your kids. But it’s worth it, you want something that’s going to work for all the parties involved.

Willingness to Compromise

Your mediator can’t tell you what you have to do. They don’t make the choices or give orders. They’re only there to help you compromise and meet a mutual agreement.

If you and your spouse aren’t willing to meet in the middle on some things, it’s going to take forever.

Complications

There are a number of complications that can make your mediation go a little longer than average. However, that’s still a small price to pay when you consider the cost and time that goes into a traditional divorce.

It’s very rare for a divorcing couple to agree on everything. But even if you can’t agree on basically anything, there is still a purpose behind mediation.

Even taking one or two items off of the list of litigation can cut down the length of time you are in court.

In fact, even if you and your spouse can’t get along, there’s still reason to attempt mediation. Even though couples who are amicable usually choose this route, it doesn’t mean it’s a rule.

It’s part of the mediator’s job to help both parties communicate even when emotions run high. It is possible to get through mediation even in situations like these.

Managing Divorce through Mediation

Divorce is hard, that’s a simple fact. It’s exhausting and it can sometimes make you feel like you don’t want to even get out of bed in the morning. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can make divorce as painless as possible when you choose to settle divorce through mediation.

For more information getting divorced and what you need to do to protect yourself, visit us today!

How to Prepare for Child Custody Mediation

how-to-prepare-for-child-custody-mediation

Going through a divorce always means challenges and adjustments. If there are children involved, one of the biggest challenges often revolves around child custody issues. When parents can’t agree on child custody arrangements, mediation can help prevent bitter custody disputes and lengthy court battles by creating a child custody plan that’s agreeable to both parents.

What is Child Custody Mediation?

Most courts encourage parents to use alternative dispute resolution (ADR) programs instead of a court trial to deal with child custody disputes. Mediation, the main ADR for child custody cases, saves parents and courts time and money that are typically spent on lengthy court trials. During mediation, both parents and their attorneys meet with a neutral third party, a mediator, to discuss child custody issues and concerns. Although there is no judge present, the results of the process can impact the outcome of your child custody case, so it’s important to be well prepared. By understanding the process and preparing for discussions, your child custody outcome will be more favorable.

Preparing for Mediation

To prepare for mediation, there are three important steps you should follow: gather information and evidence, outline your issues and concerns, and establish your objectives.

Gather Information and Evidence

Information – Gather relevant records such as your child’s medical history and school records. Write out daily schedules for you and your child and prepare your requests for visitation and custody proposals, including holidays and birthdays. Present any information that’s in your favor to substantiate your requests.

Evidence – If you’re disputing custody of the other parent due to poor parenting skills or an unhealthy home situation due to abuse or violence, drug or alcohol use, or mental health issues, you will need evidence as proof. Although discussions during mediation are considered confidential, certain inappropriate parental conduct will be reported to the court.

Outline Your Issues and Concerns

Before mediation begins, outline and organize important custody issues and concerns for discussion:

A regular visitation and child custody schedule
Exceptions to the schedule like holidays, birthdays and vacations
School and after school activities and events
Special concerns like religious preferences, medical care, and emergencies
How parents will communicate with each other concerning the children
Any future changes to the custody agreement

During the process, the mediator will help you with discussions on child custody issues and concerns. For best results, it’s important for each parent to discuss issues openly and listen to requests by the other parent. To come up with a fair child custody agreement, each parent should stay focused on solutions that are in the child’s best interest.

Establish Your Objectives

It’s important to discuss your objectives with your attorney prior to the mediation process. If you want full custody, make sure your attorney knows that before mediation begins. If your ideal scenario proves impossible during discussions, make sure you’ve discussed a backup plan with your attorney so you know what your next steps will be. You can set up phone visitations on days you don’t have visitation, or set up a special agreement for school events and birthdays. Courts encourage parents to work together to allow the non-custodial parent meaningful access to the child’s life.

Finalizing the Mediation Process

In most child custody cases, the mediator has a big impact on the outcome of mediation. The mediator presents reasons for their conclusion including detailed information that’s discussed during the mediation process by both parents. If a child custody agreement can’t be reached during mediation, the mediator will make recommendations which are typically accepted without question by the court.