Co-parenting is never easy and is particularly challenging during and after a heated divorce. However, your children are innocent victims, and experts are unwaveringly clear that healthy co-parenting is the key to protecting your children’s mental and emotional well-being.

There is no excuse for anything other than prioritizing the children’s best interests and making healthy co-parenting a priority. This means keeping children-first co-parenting communication at the forefront of all you do before, during, and after your divorce.

Healthy Co-Parenting After A Divorce Is Essential To Your Child’s Wellbeing

Studies prove time and time again that divorces make children more prone to:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Lower self-esteem and insecurity
• Academic struggles
• Behavioral issues
• Developing substance abuse issues

Putting your children’s well-being first during your divorce goes a long way toward making children feel more safe, seen, heard, and loved. 

5 Tips For Healthy Co-Parenting Communication

After more than 30 years of helping families navigate divorce proceedings in the smoothest way possible and with the least harm done, I’ve seen firsthand how crucial co-parenting communication is for childhood health and well-being in both the short and long term.

Here are my tips for healthy co-parenting communication during and after a divorce.

Prioritize mediation or collaborative divorce procedures

Do all you can to use divorce mediation and avoid lengthy, drawn-out disputes whenever possible. The longer you are in limbo, the more stressful it is for your children. If mediation isn’t working, then look for collaborative divorce attorneys so you benefit from individual representation but with a unified goal of minimizing contention, disputes, or other stressful scenarios that trickle down onto the kids.

You do not “lose out” in any way when pursuing mediation or collaboration. In all of the proceedings I’ve facilitated, clients are ultimately grateful that – in addition to saving thousands of dollars – their divorce was finalized faster, with more integrity, and with less extended drama on the home front. 

Use the same family therapist and continue going

The idea that a divorce is a final ending is a myth – especially if you have children. The legal marriage may have ended, but your role as your children’s father and mother (or step-parent) never ends. In other words, you owe it to your children to create a new version of your family – and one in which they can feel as comfortable as possible in one home, the other, or at joint celebrations and extracurricular activities.

Maybe therapy didn’t work to save your marriage. Still, I can guarantee the right therapist can save your new, co-parenting family while supporting everyone’s emotional health and resilience in a very new family structure. Using the same therapist is invaluable. It keeps stories unified, and by getting to know each parent’s (or their partner’s) dynamics, your children’s needs and wants are better honored and facilitated. Your divorce mediation or collaborative attorney can provide you with a list of their recommended therapists.

Honor the final divorce agreement as soon as possible

While your marriage is legally dissolved six months after filing the Dissolution of Marriage, most divorce agreements have a “list of things to do” and a timeline to get them done. It’s not uncommon for some (or all) of these to sit on the backburner because both parties experience post-divorce proceeding fatigue.

However, the longer you avoid what needs to be done after a divorce, the more likely it is to become part of your children’s experience. They’ll sense your stress, overhear you talking about things to family and friends, or listen to you or your ex-spouse talking about the other person (a HUGE no-no in co-parenting). Equally harmful, children may witness the two of you arguing or fighting like you used to – even though the divorce is final. In which case, they understandably wonder why you bothered divorcing in the first place, adding to their emotional confusion.

Take action and clear up all loose ends ASAP to keep co-parenting channels as clear as possible.

Never disrespect your ex-spouse or talk about their child custody/visitation failures

This is not easy. Not by a long shot. However, speaking poorly or disrespectfully about your spouse to your children (even older teenagers or young adults) is emotionally toxic. Even if your children speak ill of them, it’s best to remain silent – supporting your child’s feelings but never participating in parent bashing. 

Similarly, avoid the temptation to tell children parts of the story that are not their business – like their parent isn’t paying what they owe in child support, is not honoring their child custody agreement, etc. These do nothing but cause pain for your child. Your job is to listen to and honor your child’s feelings without contributing to co-parenting slander. I guarantee that if you do this, your children will be forever grateful to you.

Take advantage of co-parenting apps

Having a hard time speaking to your ex-spouse? This is not uncommon, especially in the earlier days after the divorce. Hopefully, time, self-awareness, and diligent emotional work should ease that a bit. In the meantime, several co-parenting apps are worth their proverbial weight in gold when it comes to everything from child visitation schedules, extra-curricular calendars, or other reminders that are part of every family dynamic – married or divorced. Other helpful features include photo sharing, digital files for important medical/health/insurance info, etc. 

A few of our client’s favorite co-parenting apps are:

• Our Family Wizard.
• Cozi (this wasn’t initially a co-parenting app, but many divorced couples appreciate its functions, including the ability to add older children, grandparents, or other primary caregivers).
• 2 Houses. 
• Many others are available online.

Having one spot for all of this helps to mitigate the amount of time spent communicating/arguing about who told each other what OR the “who does more” in the emotional labor department – which can bring the past right back into your laps… precisely what you don’t want after a divorce is final.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Offers Mediation for Better Co-Parenting

Our Bay Area family law offices are 100% dedicated to making divorces as stress-free and integrity-rich as possible. This includes a deep dedication to minimizing any negative effects on our clients’ children. Contact the Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone to begin moving forward. 

Let us help you navigate your divorce – no matter how challenging – in a way that keeps family first and supports the importance of communication in co-parenting after a divorce.

The more you understand and prepare for the divorce process, the more streamlined it can be. This guide serves as a basic guide as you move forward with your divorce process. If two people can come to general agreements around key areas, it makes the entire divorce move more efficiently – and affordably.

In most cases, it’s the roller coaster ride of emotions that makes a divorce complex. That’s especially true when children are involved, or one person wants to get divorced while the other doesn’t. Infidelity or hidden habits/debts are additional reasons that divorces become contentious. 

Quick Guide To The Divorce Process

This guide is designed to support the black-and-white “business” of divorce, which is made easier because California is both a no-fault divorce and a community property state. In other words, much of the divorce outcome is already decided by the family law court system. It’s just a matter of getting it onto paper, filing it through the legal channels, and moving forward from there. 

Easier said than done, right? We hope that by reviewing the following steps, you’re prepared to move forward with a divorce to keep it as streamlined and angst-free as possible and out of the courtroom. There is a dramatic difference between using a divorce mediator and/or moving forward in a collaborative divorce scenario and battling in court – and the latter is significantly more costly in terms of financial health, emotional well-being, and what’s in the best interest of your children.

Step One: Schedule a consultation with a divorce mediator

The first step is to schedule a pre-divorce session with a divorce mediator or lawyer specializing in collaborative divorces. Divorce mediation and collaborative divorces are both designed to support two people in navigating their divorce with the least amount of duress possible.

This one meeting, always fee-based, is a simple way to learn more about the paperwork required to move forward and how to organize your assets, debts, wishes, etc. We can also discuss any children in the mix and different options for handling child custody, visitation, and financial support.

Note: If you have step-children and they have a close relationship with you/your spouse, now is the time to discuss how to move forward with them. Consider legal paperwork outlining visitation parameters to keep those familial bonds intact, as that’s almost always in the child’s best interest. 

Step Two: Schedule sessions with a therapist

If you aren’t seeing a therapist already, now is an excellent time to start. Weekly or every-other-week sessions provide the emotional support you need through the process. Also, your therapist knows that studies prove individuals and children fare best the less toxic the divorce proceedings are. By having a place to vent your emotional frustrations, anger, grief, etc., you can bring your highest self forward as you navigate the nuts and bolts of divorce proceedings.

If you have children, we strongly suggest providing family therapy. All children have a tough time, even in the smoothest and most collaborative of divorces. Regular sessions with a therapist support their well-being too.

Step Three: Consider legal separation if you’re “not quite sure”

If you are 100% sure you are getting divorced, then legal separation doesn’t make sense. However, many couples reach a point where they can’t imagine proceeding as things are – but they aren’t sure they want to make a permanent decision. 

Divorce is a final step, so sometimes the right amount of space is necessary to re-group, work on the issues at hand, and determine whether or not that’s what you want. You can discuss the pros and cons of legal separation during your initial mediation session.

Step Four: Review any prenups 

If you had a prenuptial agreement or any property agreements, now is the time to review those. This can help remind you what is already on paper so you can move forward with the rest of the asset/debt separation from there.

Step Five: List all of your assets and debts

As mentioned above, California is a community property state. This means you share all of the debts and assets acquired during the marriage except for heirlooms or gifts made personally to you. And, yes, that also means spouses are responsible for debt they didn’t know their spouse acquired during the marriage. 

Your divorce paperwork requires a complete list of all assets and debts, including relevant account numbers, and is typically split 50/50 based on valuation. This division takes place in many forms. It may mean one person keeps the house while the other takes the majority of the retirement accounts. It might mean one person buys the other out to keep the house. It might mean one person takes two cars, and the other gets one, and so on.

If you can work together without contention, that’s always the best way forward, and you can bring those decisions to your final mediation session. Otherwise, we can do it together during mediation. If any discrepancies arise, I simply let you know what the court will most likely decide, and you can continue from there.

Step Six: Determine child custody, visitation, and support

If both of you remain local, and there is no history of serious domestic violence, substance abuse, mental health issues, etc., odds are you’ll have a 50/50 custody agreement with shared visitation and very little to no child support (child support in 50/50 custody agreements is only awarded if there is a significant difference in household incomes such that a child’s quality of life is diminished in one over the other).

If someone moves further away, other custody/visitation agreements should be agreed upon, which will become part of the legal record.

Step Seven: Finalize the divorce

Once all the decisions are made and the paperwork is complete, your divorce mediation lawyer files it with the court. The divorce becomes legal six months from the date it was stamped “Filed.”

Now, it’s time to move forward with all of the post-divorce steps you must take following the divorce agreement’s instructions. If your spouse does not do what was required by the final date, we’ll file a form to that effect, and the courts will handle it with them from there.

Law Offices Of Gerard A. Falzone Facilitates Hassle-Free Divorces

Here at the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone, we understand emotions are high during the dissolution of a marriage. However, that’s no reason for the divorce to become contentious or for proceedings to make your lives miserable. We work with Bay Area couples, helping them navigate hassle-free divorces, and achieving the best possible outcome for all involved. Contact us to schedule your divorce mediation session.

There are multiple ways to get divorced, some of which are simpler than others. A summary dissolution falls on the “simpler” end of the divorce spectrum. However, the process is only recommended for couples who meet specific criteria.

Summary Dissolution (Divorce) Explained

Most people consider divorces as long, complicated, and emotionally drawn out. While that is true in some cases, especially when couples disagree about how to divide assets or the arrangement of child custody and visitation decisions, some divorces don’t require the same level of paperwork and processing.

In that case, a summary dissolution is a potential option. The word dissolution means divorce, and it’s the term used by the court system. Most divorces in California use the regular dissolution process. According to the California Family Law Courts, a summary dissolution “…is a shorter and easier way…With this procedure, you will not have to appear in court. You may not need a lawyer, but it is in your best interest to see a lawyer about ending your marriage or domestic partnership.”

However, only some qualify. This is a good time to connect with a family law professional and learn whether or not summary dissolution is the right way to go for your divorce. You’ll probably need a single consultation, which can be done on a fee-only divorce mediation basis.

You May Qualify For A Summary Dissolution If…

Here are the qualifiers to move forward with a summary dissolution in California, and you must meet ALL of the criteria. 

You meet the residency requirements

One of you must have lived in California for the last six months and in the county where you file for summary dissolution for the last three months (this does not apply to domestic partnerships; you may end your domestic partnership registered in CA whether you live here or not as long as you meet the additional criteria). 

You do not have children together

Summary dissolutions use fewer divorce documents than a regular divorce. These add additional layers of processing and potential complications and are not part of the summary dissolution arrangement. If you have children together who are under 18 years of age (biological, foster, or adopted), you’ll need to move forward with a regular divorce.

That said, if you are both in agreement with zero to very minimal disputes or areas of concern, I highly recommend you work with a divorce and child custody mediator. It makes the process almost as simple as summary dissolution – and far more affordable than when you each retain an individual lawyer. 

You have been married and/or in a domestic partnership five years or less

If the date you married or registered your domestic partnership and the date you officially separated from your legal spouse or domestic partner is less than five years ago, a summary dissolution will work. However, if that date is even a single day past the five-year point, you’ll need a regular divorce.

You own very little 

Again, regular divorce proceedings handle any number of assets and asset values; summary dissolutions are designed for simplicity. Therefore you cannot:

• Own any real estate at all. This includes properties you’ve inherited or have your name on the title.
• If you rent or lease a living space, the rental agreement or lease must end within one calendar year of the dissolution.
• You have less than $47,000 worth of assets together and separately (assets include bank balances and furnishings owned). Cars are excluded

You can use FL 810 Worksheet VI to determine whether or not you still qualify based on what you own both separately and together.

You don’t owe very much

You cannot owe more than $6000 (excluding car loans) from the day you were legally joined until the day you legally separated.

Neither person wants spousal/domestic partner support

You cannot proceed with summary dissolution processes if either person wants or expects to receive spousal or domestic partner support. As with child custody and visitation agreements, spousal/domestic partner support entails extra documentation and processing.

You’re in complete agreement about the divorce

Everything must be agreed upon 100%. This means:

• You both fully support the divorce.
• Neither expects spousal or domestic partner support.
• You agree about how the assets/property (totaling less than $47,000) is being split.

If all of these apply to you, and you’ve consulted with a family law specialist to ensure you qualify, you have the green light to move forward with a summary dissolution.

What’s Needed To Complete A Summary Dissolution?

If you opt not to consult with a lawyer or family law mediator, the court provides DIY Summary Dissolution Instructions online. This includes a list of the forms you’ll need to complete and file with your county of residence (or the county where your domestic partnership was filed if you live outside the state):

• Joint Petition for Summary Dissolution (Form FL-800)
• Judgment of Dissolution and Notice of Entry of Judgment (Form FL-825)

Once those are filed by the court, the summary dissolution is finalized in six months. If one of you wants to back out and stop the proceedings, you’ll file a Notice of Revocation of Petition for Summary Dissolution (FL-830). However, if the other party still wants the divorce, the process starts over again through regular divorce proceedings.

Learn Whether Or Not You Qualify For A Summary Dissolution 

Are you in a legal marriage or domestic partnership where both parties are on board with divorce and you feel you meet the criteria for a summary dissolution? Then, schedule a consultation with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone. For a single, affordable fee, we will ensure you qualify, fill out all the necessary forms, and file them with the courts to ensure your divorce is finalized without being kicked back due to a paperwork error. 

If it turns out you don’t meet all of the criteria, our divorce mediation proceedings are the next best thing, which saves hundreds or thousands of dollars by streamlining the regular divorce paperwork process and keeping you away from hefty lawyer fees or time wasted in court. Contact us to get started.

No matter how much it was necessary, moving through a divorce is always stressful. It takes its toll on those getting divorced as well as their loved ones. Once you’re divorced, there are still some loose ends to tie up. 

9 Essential Steps To Take Now That You’re Divorced

We know the steps leading up to the divorce seemed never-ending, and there’s a temptation to just cross your fingers and hope all will be well. However, paying attention to these essential steps will ease the way forward into the next chapter of your life.

Get the emotional support you need

If you haven’t already done so, we highly recommend seeking support from a therapist or spiritual counselor. This is even more important if you have children – including adult children! Getting the support you need, and ensuring your children have the support they need, helps to unwind any residual emotional damage.

By and large, when the anger recedes, grief is the most prevalent emotion associated with divorce. People grieve the loss of the marriage they dreamed of, the loss of future dreams, the intact family they hoped to provide for their children, and the loss of any property, assets, or possessions that held sentimental value. This loss must be tended to, or it can cause residual issues later on.

Review your marital settlement agreement 

Some individuals and couples quickly and efficiently divide up their assets, properties, titles, accounts, etc., without a moment to waste. Others drag their heels. If your ex-spouse was against the divorce, reluctant to sign divorce papers, or dragged their heels leading up to the final document filing, prepare for a similar experience after you’re divorced.

Make a concise summary of your marital settlement agreement, so you have a one-page version of what needs to happen. This includes things like:

• Dividing account totals
• Closing joint accounts in alignment with the divorce agreement
• Transferring/retitling ownership of property, cars, toys, and other relevant assets to the appropriate person

Make a realistic timeline for when these things should happen in order of priority, and then start making your way down the list.

If your ex-spouse doesn’t do what they’re supposed to, contact the family law court or your divorce mediation lawyer to begin filing the paperwork necessary to file a motion for enforcement, which takes all of the responsibility from your shoulders.

Create clear and detailed co-parenting schedules, payment plans, etc.

If you have children and a child custody/visitation agreement, their well-being and security are a top priority. Regardless of how angry, resentful, or hurt you are, you must take the higher road when it comes to co-parenting. Child and young adult development research clearly show that children fare far better when their parents co-parent cooperatively. 

Set up autopay for spouse or child support (preferably through the family law court)

Regardless of how amicable things are now, we recommend taking everything you can out of the equation regarding the “business side” of spousal support or child support payments. Most family law courts in California now offer the ability for these payments to run through them for a very nominal annual fee (or for free, depending on the total amount of the payments). For less than $50 per year, payments automatically deposit into your bank account. 

By registering these payments through the court takes the personal relationship out of the equation. Payment agreements are between the court and the payee; if payments are late or skipped the recipient never has to be “the bad guy.” 

Change passwords, names on accounts, etc.

As you open new accounts, odds are you’ll use a different password than you did when you were married. This is strongly advised if you and your spouse used the same password for everything. Also, if you’re changing your name after the divorce, you’ll also need to begin that process.

Because it can take up to three months or so to legally change your name in California, it may mean going back through each and every one of your accounts and completing their process to finalize the name change in their systems.

Create new estate planning documents (will, trust, etc.)

This is a good time to meet with an estate attorney to draft a new will and trust documents. This is even more important if you have never created a will or trust in the past. Because California is a community property state, your ex-spouse would automatically inherit everything. 

Now, without a will or trust in place, you leave your children and family members more vulnerable if you become incapacitated or die without specific instructions, including those who can make legal and medical decisions on your behalf. One of the benefits of working through this process is that you may uncover or remember accounts, credit cards, investments, life insurance policies, or retirement funds you forgot you or your spouse had and that haven’t been closed or divided yet.

NOTE: Make sure that any account beneficiary or “pay on death” designations reflect the right person on any accounts that became yours. If your ex-spouse’s name remains on those forms, there is nothing anyone else can do about it if you die. Those funds transfer directly to whoever is named, regardless of marital/divorce status.

Update (or create) your advanced medical directive

That segues directly to the next item on the list: updating or creating an advanced medical directive. Again, before you’re divorced, your spouse would have been the one making any medical decisions on your behalf. 

Now that you are single, it’s essential that your medical directive outlines who you select to make medical and end-of-life decisions on your behalf if you cannot do so. Medical directives also help you outline what you want or do not want in any given scenario. Advanced medical directive forms are available from your health care provider, or you can also use free online versions like This One by Prepare For Your Care.

Protect your credit

Once all of the steps in your marital settlement agreement are complete, we recommend pulling a free credit report to ensure all the accounts you closed or divided are taken care of. You are entitled to one free credit report per year from all major players, such as Experian and Equifax. 

Keep in mind that it can take several weeks or a few months for things to cycle on and off your report. If you and your spouse were efficient at dividing and conquering the tasks on your marital settlement agreement, wait 90 days or so before pulling the reports to ensure they’re accurate.

Click Here for instructions on obtaining your free copy report from legitimate agencies.

Take care of insurance details after you’re divorced

Review all of your insurance policies – auto, homeowners, medical, dental, vision, and life – to make sure their current and that your ex-spouse is no longer on the policy. In some cases, this might mean you need to ensure you’re off your ex-spouse’s policy (alleviating any financial responsibility on your end) and getting a policy of your own. 

Need Guidance To Complete The Steps After You’re Divorced?

Do you need guidance or advice about what happens now your divorce is complete? Contact The Law Offices of Gerard Falzone. We can review your divorce agreement and marital settlement agreement and create a checklist for you to follow. Once the checklist is complete, you’ll feel as if a tremendous weight is lifted, and you’ll finally be free to move forward. 

The good news is that family law proceedings in California allow you to do your divorce paperwork and legal filing or make decisions about asset distribution and child custody/visitation issues. However, a DIY divorce has a downside. Lack of information, misunderstandings around CA divorce and child custody laws, or making hasty decisions often result in finalized divorce proceedings that do not honor your best interests.

Pursuing a DIY divorce is certainly within your rights, but even a single consultation with a divorce attorney or mediator can prevent you from making costly mistakes.

5 Downsides Of A DIY Divorce In California

Here are five of the most common downsides we see when clients come back to us after a DIY divorce gone wrong.

Being taken advantage of by a pushy or bullying ex

If your soon-to-be ex is driving the train, you could be pushed into decisions that are not in your best interest. While we understand the temptation to get the divorce over with as soon as possible, being too hasty costs you in the immediate and the long term. 

You don’t have to go to court to get divorced. In fact, we always recommend pursuing divorce mediation whenever possible. In just a few fee-based sessions with an experienced divorce mediator, you can walk through every piece of paperwork and receive neutral recommendations about any areas of conflict – such as finances, spousal support, child custody/support/visitation, and other questions around asset distribution. 

Meeting with a family law attorney either alone for a pre-divorce legal consultation or together for mediation can help your divorce move forward quickly and ensures all of your paperwork is filed without mistakes so the courts don’t kick it back for resubmittal.

Not understanding community property laws

California is a community property state. Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that means everything you have together is split 50/50. That is not the case. Anything you earned, acquired individually or together, or invested during your marriage is entitled to be split equally. 

However, there are exceptions to the community property laws. Examples include:

• Finances that were yours before the marriage (retirement, investments, savings, etc.)
• Any assets you inherited before or during the marriage
• Gifts given especially to you by family members, including financial gifts.
• Property owned in your name prior to the marriage or property inherited by you during the marriage.
• Financial gain or assets accrued while legally separated.

Meeting with a lawyer before the divorce is the best way to ensure the two of you are dividing your assets as the judge would if you went to court. 

NOTE: Resist any temptation to hide any assets when going through a divorce. If you hide assets and they are discovered by your ex now or even years after the divorce is final, the courts will not hesitate to act swiftly and are more than happy to grant those assets and more to your ex.

Giving up benefits you are entitled to

Sometimes, in a more-toxic-than-normal situation, clients are willing to sign away just about anything and everything to get out of the marriage and start anew. Unfortunately, this often means making decisions they regret later. 

For example, I once had a client whose spouse was difficult throughout the divorce proceedings. He had a modest IRA, while she received a generous county retirement pension. To escape the constant tension, he was willing to take his IRA and leave her all of her retirement until I demonstrated what an exponential financial loss would be for him in the long term.

As a result of a single consultation, he let CA divorce law reign supreme and now receives his portion of his ex-wife’s pension, just as she’ll receive her portion of his IRA when he retires. Your divorce mediator or attorney is there to ensure everyone makes the best possible choices in alignment with CA family laws.

Child custody and visitation

Children should never be put in the middle of a divorce. Their well-being must be a top priority during and after the divorce proceedings. After listening to your ideas and input, as well as your children’s (if they are old enough), we can establish a child custody and visitation agreement that is in everyone’s best interest. 

Are you a step-parent? If you are getting a divorce in a marriage involving step-parents, work together to create a child custody agreement that considers that. Currently, step-parents have no legal rights for visitation or holiday exchanges. However, the two of you can create whatever legal agreement you want as long as it’s part of the divorce agreement. Whatever agreement you come to regarding visitation and custody of step-children should be in writing and should have the signed approval of their other biological parent(s).

Improperly filed paperwork is just one of the downsides of a DIY divorce

Legal paperwork is challenging to navigate, and most California divorces require proper filing and procedures for multiple forms. If there is a single mistake, the forms are kicked back to their initiator, and you have to refile them. This process can happen repeatedly. It is frustrating at the very least. Similarly, you may have made a wording mistake or checked an incorrect box that makes its way into your legally-filed divorce.

Once the documents are recorded, and the divorce is filed, you have to go back to court and request a modification to make any changes. Until then, whatever was checked remains part of the legal domain and you are beholden to follow that law if and until a judge rules on your modification request.

Schedule A Pre-Divorce Legal Consultation Before A DIY Divorce

You may be perfectly prepared to file a DIY divorce in California. However, it’s always best to schedule at least one pre-divorce legal consultation with a qualified family law professional to make sure you do it right. We’re happy to review your situation, go over the paperwork, and help you make any corrections to the court documents before you formally file them. Contact the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to schedule a consultation or receive legal advice about your upcoming divorce.

The term gray divorce is relatively recent, adopted to describe the increase in divorces between couples who are aged 50+ and have been married for decades. These divorces can be more complicated than others because, unlike couples who’ve been married for ten years or less, these couples often have a complex array of assets that must be intricately worked through and fairly allocated. 

And then, of course, there is the painful burden of processing the dissolution of a family culture. Adult children are still children and experience the same range of emotional impact as younger children in a divorce. Finally, there is the reorientation as each partner relearns life as an individual – rather than as part of a couple.

Steps To Support You While Navigating A Gray Divorce

Here are some important steps to support you as you prepare for and navigate divorce in your 50s, 60s, 70s, or beyond.

Is legal separation a better first step?

If you haven’t tried legal separation, this might be a good first step. Marriages mean different things to different people. Marriage can also mean different things to people at different phases of their life. Sometimes, legal separation offers prospective candidates for a gray divorce to take a look at their personal and shared narratives to see if there might be an alternative to divorce.

Taking time and space away from the marriage to process personal work while still honoring the same types of living and financial arrangements offered by divorce allows couples to find their way back into a partnership that may be defined differently from what it was before. Other times, legal separation helps those on the fence to see clearly that divorce is the best way forward. Every situation is different.

If Not, Prioritize mediation or a collaborative divorce process

If at all possible, work together to put the marital issues on the table as you work to divorce one another with the least amount of angst, resentment, and stress possible. One of the best ways to do that is to seek help from a family lawyer who specializes in mediation or seek individual representation from lawyers who prioritize collaborative divorce.

• Divorce mediation

Divorce mediation uses one lawyer between the two of you. They are paid by the hour or may offer “packages” based on the number of sessions you meet with them. During divorce mediation sessions, the mediator serves as a completely objective party. In other words, we are completely neutral and do not “take sides.” Instead, we help you to divide assets fairly and facilitate cooperative decision-making at every turn. 

When you are in disagreement or conflict about how a particular asset or issue should be handled, we provide feedback on how a judge would most likely rule were you in a courtroom. Divorce mediation saves couples tens of thousands of dollars, keeps your business completely private, and facilitates all of the legal document compilation and filing for you. 

• Collaborative divorce

A collaborative divorce shares the same goals as mediation: for couples to work through things as fairly as possible while minimizing negative conflict. However, in this model, each individual has their own attorney representing their interests, and both “teams” work together collaboratively to reach an equitable outcome. This is more expensive than mediation since there are separate attorney fees involved, but it’s still more affordable in terms of both financial and emotional/energetic costs.

Both options keep you out of the courtroom, which can be a very negative, draining, and damaging experience – especially if there are children and grandchildren involved. 

Learn more about how assets and investments are divided

Unless you have a prenuptial agreement, odds are the two of you, assets, and finances are tightly woven together in a single fabric. The California divorce process works to unravel that fabric into its separate parts again – and as equitably as possible. The more you understand how assets are divided in a divorce, the better prepared you’ll be. 

Because California is a community property state, the majority of the monies and assets acquired during your marriage are split 50/50 – without any deliberation. There are exceptions, such as inheritance or gifts, but these must be proven to be exceptions for the courts to recognize them. 

NOTE: This is NOT a time for secret preparations, hiding money or funds, hiding newly acquired assets, or starting any new financial ventures on your own. The courts frown on any attempts to hide assets before or during a divorce. Proof you were trying to do so can mean your spouse gets far more than they would have been entitled to otherwise.

Seek personal support through counseling or a similar outlet

This is no small thing. Ending a marriage that has survived decades, and that created a family, means the dissolving of a dynasty of sorts. While it may be the best and healthiest step for you both, it doesn’t come without tremendous emotional and energetic costs. 

Meeting with a licensed therapist or credentialed spiritual advisor, or life coach makes all the difference in your emotional and energetic well-being. It will also support you in working for the highest good of both yourself and everyone involved. 

Keep the kids out of it as much as you can

Adult children can be put in a terrible position if their divorcing parents aren’t careful. Like small children, they go through the same emotional and logistical struggles resulting from a gray divorce. They are often privy to far too much personal information about their parents that should be completely separate from their mother/child or father/child relationship. As tempting as it can be to gain allies, children should not be your support network during this process. They should be encouraged to have healthy, balanced, and open relationships with each parent – regardless of what brought their parents to this point.

After more than 30 years as a family lawyer and mediator, we witness the damage done when parents bring their children into the mix. Children always fare best – even adult children – when they can say things like, “I never heard my father say a disrespectful or unkind thing about my mother. He keeps his feelings about her separate from our relationship…” or vice versa. Plus, the more drama and trauma are brought into your adult children’s world, the more will spill over into your grandchildren’s lives.

Preparing For A Gray Divorce? Work With An Experienced Family Lawyer

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are known for their focus on integrity and fairness. We have more than 30 years of experience helping Bay Area couples navigate their divorces as smoothly, honorably, and affordably as possible. Call us at Schedule a consultation to learn more about our services, and we’ll be here to support you and your family every step of the way.