For many couples, initiating the divorce paperwork is a final step in a long and drawn-out saga, which is why one or both may already be dating other people or anxious to find love again.
However, whenever possible, we recommend waiting until the divorce paperwork is officially filed—and until the divorce decree is finalized—to ensure it doesn’t come back to haunt you.
5 Reasons To Hold Off On Dating Until A Divorce Is Finalized
While California is considered a no-fault state, there are still several reasons it makes more sense to wait until your divorce is final before starting to date publicly (and that includes being mindful of social media posts).
It’s better for your children’s well-being
If there are children involved, it is best for them if you hold off on dating or introducing them to any romantic interest until your divorce is final. First of all, children can hold quite a bit of hurt, blame, shame, and confusion about the why and how of divorces and what it means for them and the family unit. Bringing someone else into the mix only amplifies those complex feelings, which makes it harder for children to adjust. This is especially true if you and your ex live together until the divorce is complete.
Depending on the age of your children and their understanding, they can think that:
- You are a dishonest person, or you chose a new person over them.
- They aren’t as important to you as they used to be.
- There is a chance that you will eventually leave them to be with someone new (and their family).
Hurt and confused children may blame the new person for the divorce, regardless of whether it was related to your situation. And, if your new partner has children with whom you spend time, your children can feel as if you’re choosing a new family, which is devastating to them.
Waiting until there is a clear and legal divorce in place and until your family is used to the custody/visitation arrangement can support your children’s emotional well-being.
It can make the divorce more contentious (and more expensive)
Divorces are emotionally complicated as it is, and the more contentious they become, the more expensive they can be. Working with a divorce mediator is one of the best ways to minimize drama and tension and move forward in a more seamless and business-like manner, honoring emotions without letting them escalate into war-like conflict. The more heated things become, the more likely it is that they will need lawyers to represent each side, and that can become costly.
Experts estimate that working with a divorce mediator saves couples thousands of dollars compared to divorce cases that proceed to the courtroom. Dating before you’ve moved through a complete divorce process can add fuel to the embers, making it impossible to complete things without a courtroom battle.
It can increase what you have to pay in spousal or child support
In California, most legal professionals and judges rely on a spousal support and child support calculator, both of which can be found on the state’s family law websites. These calculators use an algorithm to determine how much, if anything, is owed by one party to another.
However, because it’s a computer doing the math, the figures it throws out may be more than make sense to you and your partner, and a mediator can help you determine payments that align more with the true everyday picture and each party’s needs. Of course, at any time during the six months leading up to when you file—and when the paperwork is finalized—either party can renege and request a different arrangement.
So, if your ex gave you a bit of a break about what you would owe them but then became triggered by jealousy, anger, or frustration about your dating, you can wind up paying more because they’ll no longer give you the break you initially agreed on.
Also, keep in mind that if you move in with someone before the divorce is final, it can look like you have more means than you do, which can also alter spousal/child support payments because the courts expect the spouses’ or children’s lifestyles to be relatively equal in both households.
It may affect the way the courts view your assets
California is considered a community property state, and (barring legal separation), all of the assets acquired while you are married are split 50/50 until the day your divorce is final. If you start dating someone, and your ex feels that you’re draining assets from joint accounts or that wouldn’t have been spent otherwise, they can fight that and try to recoup their portion of what has been spent.
If you do opt to date before things are finalized, we recommend keeping your expenses at the same level as when you were married. Avoid any large or unusual spending sprees (jewelry, clothing, trips, expensive dinners, cars, etc.), as they can come back to bite you. And, it goes without saying, never hide assets during a divorce.
Minimize personal stress & use the time to heal
Finally, your life leading up to a divorce was anything but easy. And now, during the divorce, stress levels will continue at an elevated rate. Even the most straightforward divorces are still emotionally challenging. Give yourself the gift of solitude, without bringing another human into the mix.
The six months between when you file and when the divorce is finalized provide a perfect window for self-reflection and healing, continued work with a family therapist to establish strong and stable co-parenting processes, and creating new routines and traditions with your children.
Schedule A Mediation Consultation At The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone
Family law mediators work to minimize conflict and reduce stress during and after a divorce, and that includes advising clients about why it pays to wait rather than date during a divorce.
If you’re looking for the best way to achieve a quick, stress-free, and seamless divorce process, schedule a mediation consultation with Gerard A. Falzone. The sooner you make solid decisions and agreements, the sooner your divorce will be finalized, and you can begin moving forward with your new life and all that it has to offer.