The holidays bring extra challenges for those going through a divorce and those who got divorced in the past year or two. This is especially true if you have children. These tips can help you cope with the complicated feelings that arise while doing your best to enjoy special holiday moments with your family.

The season and just after the new year is one of the most common times of year that people initiate and file divorces. There are so many triggers that come up for individuals at this time of year and the holidays can bring it all to a head. 

Tips For How To Cope With Divorce During The Holidays

After more than 40 years working in family law mediation, supporting spouses and families to minimize conflict, I’ve observed what helps them navigate the holidays amid such a tender and charged time.

Here are five things that can make a tremendous difference, ensuring you can find moments of peace and joy, even when everything feels overwhelming or bleak.

Schedule an extra appointment with your therapist if needed

I see first-hand how therapy can support individuals, couples, and their children – even if it doesn’t work to “save the marriage.” Having some extra time in the therapist’s office to vent about what you’re experiencing and get fresh input around emotional tools that can help you can make all the difference. 

Children also benefit from having an objective person to share their experiences with and to give them coping strategies for the inevitably challenging moments ahead.

Create a list of 5 emotional support tools (and have it ready)

There will be so many potential triggers, from your personal history of not-so-great holiday memories and the grief of your own divorce to difficult family dynamics or the impression that every other family is happy but yours.

Having a go-to list of emotional support tools on a note card in your pocket or on your phone provides something physical that you can look at to help get your emotions back on track. This might include things like:

• Taking three to five deep belly breaths (exhale for two counts longer than the inhale).
• Listening to a guided meditation.
• Going outside to focus on something in nature, like the leaves on a tree, clouds, stars, etc.
• Coming up with a line or mantra that resonates with you, like, “This too shall pass,” “All will be well,” “I will make it through this,” or “One moment at a time.” Of course, feel free to make your own (and snarky versions that make you smile are just as good as the meaningful ones).
• Burning energy with physical movement (do jumping jacks in a bathroom stall if you need to.

These are just some examples that clients have shared with me regarding divorce during the holidays. Create a list of things that help you get back to a more centered calm.

Make Co-parenting a top priority

If you share custody with your ex-spouse, now’s the time to double down on those co-parenting agreements you’ve made. You are bound to feel yourself getting frustrated or angry at your ex, especially if this is your first time or two having to juggle different household holiday calendars.

• Hold fast to the goal of not speaking ill of their other parent or showing obvious signs of anger or frustration. Children take this personally and inevitably feel like it’s their fault. 
• Set a financial cap on each household’s gift-giving so there’s no temptation to “win” with the kids because one or the other gives better gifts.
• Take time out to revisit the calendar together and make sure that any visitation changes are in the calendar and agreed upon in writing (emails are better than texts for this). 
• If geography permits, ensure your children have time to spend with their grandparents on both sides, even if that means taking time out of your own visiting schedule. The grandparent-grandchild relationship can be a huge benefit to your children’s emotional wellbeing, so don’t deny them that – even if it’s painful or challenging for you. 

Health co-parenting helps to raise emotionally balanced and healthy children. It should always be a year-round top priority.

Find time to grieve your divorce during the holidays

 A divorce is a type of death, and there is so much grief inherent in the dissolution of a marriage. It can take years to recover, and the holidays heighten our awareness of grief in our lives. Take time to honor your sadness rather than feeling like you have to cover it up.

• Schedule a coffee/phone date with a friend or loved one who can listen and support you.
• Go on a ranting walk with a fellow divorced friend or co-worker to vent some of that energy.
• Journal your feelings or type them out.
• If you live with other people, the shower is a good place to cry without anyone noticing.
• Watch sad movies that help you be more present with your own sadness.

The more you honor your emotions, the more they free up inside your body, creating more space for the good ones.

Give yourself lots of calendar flexibility

There’s a good chance you won’t feel like attending the typical number of holiday gatherings and events. That’s perfectly normal. Just because you feel like attending the work party scheduled for next week doesn’t mean you’ll feel like going on the actual day. 

• Say “No,” to any event you don’t want to attend. If you go, odds are it will only make you feel worse instead of better, and it uses up valuable energy that could be spent doing something that nourishes you.
• Block in extra time to be alone if possible (consider babysitting swaps with friends if funds are tight).
• Use “Maybe” RSVPs anytime so you’re not locked in.
• Remember that we can celebrate the holidays and special events on any calendar day, so it’s okay to postpone or create a make-up day if that’s easier for you (if you’re a parent in the midst of a battle about who gets the kids on an exact holiday, this is an opportunity to teach your children that holidays are about family and they can spend another holiday celebration with you the day before, or after, or the next weekend).

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Wishes You Ease-ful Holiday Moments

While this may not be the merriest holiday for you, the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone hopes that these tips will provide more moments of ease for you during this traditionally festive season. 

If you’re planning on moving forward with a divorce during the holidays, our family law practice focuses on divorce and child custody mediation services that support couples with a minimum of the tension or drama that is inherent in traditional courtroom proceedings. Contact our office to schedule a consultation.

We can cite research all day long about how important it is to maintain a healthy, honest, and cooperative approach to prepare your children for divorce. But your children’s hearts, spirits, and well-being should always be the guiding force. 

Using a divorce mediator, rather than a traditional lawyer, can create a more seamless, conflict-free arena for divorce decisions. The less conflict and animosity there is, the easier it will be to prepare your children for a divorce.

Seven Things You Can Do To Ease Your Children’s Divorce Experience

If you are heading towards a divorce, there are several things you can do to help prepare your children – and support them through – an experience that will be excruciatingly painful, no matter how well you do your job.

Always always always take the high road

First and foremost, you absolutely must “take the high road” at all times. Children deserve to have an individual and independent relationship with each parent without that being tainted by the other parent’s story. This isn’t always easy, but it’s essential.

If you want to support your children’s emotional health and create a robust and healthy foundation for future co-parenting (more on that in #4), you must put any reactive, spiteful, or angry feelings toward your spouse to the side whenever you’re speaking in front of, within earshot, or directly to your children.

Anything you say that is insulting, vengeful, or disparaging about their other parent hurts your children. Period. The interpersonal issues that led to your divorce have absolutely NOTHING to do with your children, and it should stay that way.

Remember that you’re still a family even if you’re not a couple

One of the great misconceptions about divorce is that you’re no longer a family. Any divorced couple can tell you that’s not the truth. You may not want to be with your spouse anymore, but you will always be a part of each others’ lives if you have children together. That also means that any future partners of yours or your partners will also become a part of your “family.”

Holding this view of the extended family model is one of the best things you can do to keep that “high road” or “big picture” perspective we talked about above.

Invest in an experienced family therapist

Family and child/adolescent therapy can be an essential foundation for preparing for a divorce – and maintaining the healthy co-parenting relationship that will carry your children through the divorce and into their young adult years.

People mistakenly believe that therapy that doesn’t save the marriage is a waste of money. If you have children, we believe therapy is a crucial foundation for couples and their children because it helps families cultivate communication skills, co-parenting agreements, and how to assess their children’s needs above what each parent wants or sees as “best.”

Create a co-parenting plan

We can’t speak highly enough about the benefits of a co-parenting plan. These agreements can evolve and change with the family’s needs. 

This cooperative plan honors the commitment to your children’s well-being as well as your own. Co-parenting plans fare best when they’re viewed as “living documents” that can be revised as life inevitably changes. 

Most co-parenting plans incorporate:

• Reiterations of the current child custody/visitation plan or related co-parenting schedules.
• How changes in visitation/vacations/holidays should occur.
• Common house rules that keep things consistent from household to household (essential for helping children transition back and forth).
• How disagreements between parents will be resolved.
• Etc.

Working with your family law mediator or therapist can help you create a customized co-parenting plan that supports everyone’s best interests.

Present the news and general plan together to prepare your children for divorce

Remember that no matter how amicable the divorce may seem from your end, it will still turn your children’s world upside down. Even the “best” of divorces are traumatic for children and affect them for the rest of their lives. 

With this in mind, you must present a united parenting front – even if you can’t be a united marital front – when it comes to communicating about the divorce with your children. 

What to say – and not say – largely depends on your children’s ages, so we recommend reading Today’s Parent’s post, How to tell kids about divorce: An age-by-age guide.

Your ability to maintain a united parent front, regardless of how separate or fragmented your relationship is, makes a tremendous difference in your children’s sense of trust and stability.

Practice healthy communication strategies

Your ability to co-parent absolutely rests on a foundation of healthy communication. However, using healthy communication strategies with your children is also important. Depending on your child’s age and feelings about the situation, the latter may be harder than you think.

Children experience hurt, anger, and blame, and they are apt to vent that right onto you. Again, a good family therapist can be a godsend. However, be prepared to remain calm and non-reactive if your children:

• Blame you for the divorce.
• Seem sullen and angry.
• Say hurtful things to you, like “No wonder dad/mom wanted a divorce. I wouldn’t want to be married to you either.”
• Continue processing the divorce for years afterward as their age/awareness brings up new feelings or awarenesses.

The best thing you can do is continue encouraging them to be honest (albeit respectful – you don’t have to become a whipping post by any means!) about their feelings.

• Help them put words to their complicated thoughts and emotions.
• Reassure them that nothing about the divorce is their fault.
• Do bring your ex-spouse into the equation (scheduling a family meeting if necessary) if you suspect manipulation or one-sided information is coming to the table so that everything remains transparent between households. When your kids see that they can’t play one side against the other, they stop trying.
• Avoid the tendency to “fix.” There is nothing that can be fixed, so just being present with their emotions, validating that they’re normal and expected, and just listening is the best thing you can do.

Focus on stability between households (more than exact routines)

The reality is that there are two separate households now, and they cannot possibly be “the same.” So, the goal of the co-parenting agreement should be to establish some core values/rules/consistency that provide stability – but that honor the reality of a two-household family.

Areas we recommend prioritizing consistency:

• Bedtimes/wake times (especially for school days).
• Tech time/screen time limits.
• Natural outcomes for certain actions so that consequences are fairly standard between households.
• Protocols for hanging out with friends/sleepovers, etc. (like needing 24-hour notice, or communicating with the friend’s parents ahead of time, ensuring each parent knows when a child will be staying elsewhere, and so on).

Resist spoiling a child, being more of a friend than a parent, or the urge to “win” when it comes to who’s the better parent or has the better household. These temptations do far more harm than good, and there is ample research to support that.

Gerard A. Falzone Helps You Prepare Your Children For Divorce

We understand that most parents prefer to scaffold a divorce that does the least amount of harm to their children. However, the more stressful and emotional things become, the harder this can be. 

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have always prioritized divorces that utilize mediation or collaborative divorce methods to help parents and children create a healthy road ahead. Contact us to schedule a consultation and to begin finding healthy ways to prepare your children for divorce.

You may have heard that January is dubbed “Divorce Month.” However, while the post-holiday season may be a time when people seriously consider divorce, March, August, and September are the months when the most divorces are filed in California.

There are several reasons for this, which we discuss below. We’ll also dig into some of the most common reasons why people divorce and what marital years tend to be the most stressful, which can also lead to filing a divorce.

Spring & Fall Are California’s Divorce Seasons

While January may be a popular month for couples to seek divorce mediation or counseling, they don’t usually file until around March. This is when we see record highs for divorce filings, which also seem to surge around August and September.

Top Reasons People Get Divorced In March & August/September

Concentrated time together is a trigger, as evidenced by the pandemic years, which spanned 2020 – 2022. Divorce proceedings took place at record numbers during those years for the same reasons couples are more likely to file for a divorce during spring and late summer to early fall.

Concentrated time together brings issues to a head

People are busy, and children have never participated in so many extracurricular activities as they do now. With most households containing two working parents and busy kids, there isn’t a whole lot of concentrated family time and even less concentrated “couple time.” As a result, it’s easier for couples to shove their issues under the rug or to just feel too busy to do anything about their problems.

The holidays bring about more time off, and this downtime allows couples to experience just how strained their marriage really is. Other factors also come to a head around the holiday season, forcing the hand. 

Some of these include differences around:

• How to manage finances.
• Alcohol or recreational drug consumption (which could lead to changes in custody arrangements or supervised visitation).
• Parenting strategies.

By the time couples determine they want to proceed with the divorce, it’s March—and family law professionals refer to this as “The January Effect.”

Summertime has the same effect. As couples take time off for both vacations and staycations, the fact they feel tense, irritated, or angry with one another becomes impossible to hide. One or the other is bound to announce they want a divorce. Thus, we see the same type of January Effect, but it takes place in August and September.

It’s the start of a brand-new year

January brings the start of a new year, and many people take this opportunity to clear out the old and make new resolutions for a better life. If they’ve been struggling to make their marriage work, moving forward with a divorce may become one or the other’s New Year’s resolution. 

The Institute of Family Studies reports that before about 15 to 20 years of marriage, 25% of all married people think about getting a divorce at one time or another. Of these, about half have thought about getting a divorce for about a year, and roughly 5% say they consider their marriage 100% over – with no chance of being saved.

It’s these chronic divorce thinkers who are most likely to use a new year to catalyze moving into a legitimate separation or divorce.

A change in schools may be part of the divorce

We mentioned that all that summer break together can catalyze the August and September divorcees. But, there may be another reason that’s more linked to the kids. 

If the summertime stretch was too much for a fragile marriage to hangle, upcoming changes might mean a change in schools or districts for the kids. While this can be tricky, parents who are planning a move that would affect school zones or transportation. Filing in August or September, just at the start of a new school year, can legitimize the need for the transfer or new enrollment.

Biggest Factors That Lead To Divorce

Couples may decide to get divorced at any point in their marriage. However, certain periods of a marriage are considered “higher risk” when it comes to divorce. These include:

• The first two years of marriage.
• Years five through eight (often described as “the seven-year itch.”
• After the children grow up and move out of the house.

While there are exceptions, most divorces are caused by tensions or irreconcilable differences around:

Lack of connection or intimacy

Most couples can work through “the doldrums,” or a period of time when there’s no breeze in the relationship. One or both partners may feel neglected emotionally or physically. While this is very common during the childbearing years, it can happen at any point in a marriage. 

We highly recommend all couples considering a divorce pursue individual and couples therapy with a therapist you both like and trust. Divorce is often avoided when both people are willing to put down their armor and openly communicate. 

Fidelity (or monogamy)

This is a very challenging thing for a monogamous person to get over. Again, marriage therapy can be invaluable here. Regardless of what you decide to do, remember that adult business should always be kept separate from co-parenting business. Children fare best emotionally and mentally when parents can rise above and use healthy co-parenting practices.

Financial beliefs or practices

Money is a major subject of marital arguments. If someone is out of work or the household has financial struggles, arguments are more common. The same is true if one person spends more money than the other. 

For a marriage to survive, both partners must have shared goals for their future together. By default, this means they must be united in their financial goals/management strategies. 

Plans for the future

While this may crop up in the first ten years or so, especially if one person wants children and the other decides they don’t, differences around future plans are a common root of “gray divorces.”

Gray divorces describe a divorce in couples 50+ who have been married for decades. Typically, the above three causes are factors. However, differences in how to spend their retirement can cause significant rifts in what was formerly a seemingly solid partnership. One or the other partner may also desire to get divorced after raising the family because they never really wanted to be married – or married to their spouse – in the first place.

The reason(s) you got married

Sometimes divorces happen because one or the other partner finally acknowledges they never wanted to get married in the first place. This happens for a number of reasons. In some cases, a pregnancy is involved. For others, marriage may happen to please parents or to conform to societal norms. 

Regardless, saving a marriage founded on a false or misaligned foundation can be very challenging or impossible.

Schedule Divorce Mediation At The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone

As we head into the fall, we’re noticing an increase in requests for divorce mediation, which is a more neutral, less stressful, and more affordable way to pursue a divorce in California. Couples who use mediation not only save thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars in legal fees, but they also get through the process with far less overall emotionally damaging fallout for themselves and their children.

Contact The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to start learning more about divorce mediation. I’ve helped individuals and couples move smoothly and efficiently through the challenges of divorcing for more than 40 years. Let’s have a conversation and see whether I’m a good fit for your situation.

Divorce is never an easy path, but working with an experienced therapist can certainly ease the way forward into a healthy and more sustainable relational life. 

The combination of family therapy before and during a divorce, along with the skilled facilitation of a divorce mediator, can truly transform the way both parties move through the divorce proceedings.

5 Reasons To Seek Therapy Before A Divorce

People often assume that seeing a therapist before a divorce is about saving the marriage. While this may—and can—be true from time to time, most individuals or couples are sure about their decision by the time they file for divorce.

Even so, I always recommend that they visit a therapist of some kind before, during, and immediately after the proceedings. Here’s why:

Facilitate the smoothest way forward

Nobody benefits from a contentious divorce. In addition to being incredibly expensive, drawn-out divorces, which are often more about ego than they are about finding the fairest way to separate and begin a new life, are hard on everyone.

Your therapist can help you both process individual emotions – including anger, stress, betrayal, stress, etc. – while also helping you both learn to communicate respectfully and decide the best way forward with the least amount of time, energy, and money wasted.

Ensure your children have the support they need

Children are innocent bystanders in a divorce. The statistics are very clear that children whose parents are divorced are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and trouble in the classroom. 

Most therapists will tell you that it takes at least four sessions for most clients (of any age) to be comfortable sharing the good, the bad, and the embarrassing with them. One or two sessions are not enough to determine how your child is faring, especially if your child is more introverted by nature or is in the tween/teen phase. By continuing to see a therapist week after week, you allow your child to slowly build trust and rapport with the therapist. Over time, children will feel more comfortable sharing how they are genuinely doing, which can provide invaluable insight into how to continue moving forward as a co-parenting family (more on that next).

The ramifications of divorce last for years. While this doesn’t mean your child needs to be in therapy for years, longer is better than shorter when it comes to children feeling comfortable expressing their feelings and finding the personalized tools that help them process intense emotions as they come up.

Parents benefit from therapy too

I recommend seeing the same therapist individually and with your child (from time to time). The better the therapist gets a feel for each family member and hears their story, the better they can help your family in the long run when it comes to problem-solving and co-parenting agreements – as well as how to handle big family issues when they come up.

Establish healthy co-parenting from the start with therapy before a divorce

Even if you live in the same house during the divorce, co-parenting begins as soon as the divorce is officially in motion. Cooperative co-parenting and communication are essential to your children’s resilience and well-being. 

The research is clear that children thrive faster and with greater confidence when their divorced parents:

• Never badmouth one another to the children.
• Resist the urge to be “the better parent” and encourage their child’s relationship with the other parent.
• Adhere to the co-parenting and family agreements.
• Accept that parenting styles may be different and focus on the shared agreements instead.
• Be flexible within reason; your child custody/visitation agreement is a guide, but important and unexpected events are part of life. 
• Do your best to support your ex’s future partners so your children can feel more at home in their presence. This is not a competition.

I could go on and on, but these, as well as other tenets of good parenting and co-parenting, are all part of what your family therapist will help you iron out and uphold.

Remember, co-parenting agreements are living documents that evolve and change with the situation. Your therapist will be there for you as needed through the coming years of raising children and young adults together.

Your personal well-being 

You know the adage about “putting your oxygen mask on first” before helping someone else. The more depleted, drained, stressed, or angry you are, the harder it will be for you to take the high road during the divorce and afterward. 

Keep in mind that although “your divorce may be over,” there is far more to it than that. There is plenty to do after a divorce is finalized in terms of separating the accounts, rebuilding a home and routine, and honoring all of the things stated in the divorce agreement. In the meantime, you’ll be working through the grief associated with the end of the marriage and the family unit you’ve built together. 

By taking care of yourself and working with a trusted therapist, you’ll learn how to work through the powerful emotions that are guaranteed to arise from time to time in a functional way that doesn’t harm your children. 

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Support Mediated & Collaborative Divorce

Divorces don’t have to be the dark, contentious, and dramatic horror shows modeled for us by television and the modern media. Using divorce mediation and collaborative divorce models, the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have provided safe and comfortable spaces for both parties to review the facts and where legal disputes can be discussed – and hopefully resolved – to both parties’ satisfaction. 

I can also provide referrals to some of the area’s most admired family therapists, who can partner with you further to keep everyone as emotionally whole as possible through this challenging time. Contact my office to schedule a consultation and learn more about how I can help with therapy before a divorce.

A marriage begins with the filing of a marriage license. In the sad event that you or your spouse choose to end the marriage, the legal union is dissolved via a divorce decree.

There are typically four significant stages in a couple’s divorce process. The first begins when one or both parties decide to proceed with a divorce. This usually leads to conversations ranging from very heated and tense to business-like and sad. The second and third stages include mediation with a family law facilitator or official court proceedings and filing the finalized divorce papers. 

After six months, if neither party contests the initial filing, the courts stamp the documents filed, and the divorce is finalized. Your receipt of the official divorce decree finalizes the third stage and launches you into the fourth – when you, your former spouse, and any children you have adjusted to the new life ahead

Included In The Divorce Decree

The papers you or your lawyer file to begin the court’s review of the divorce are the same ones you’ll get back with the official court stamp. Every divorce decree is different in some ways because no two couples or families are alike. 

However, the typical divorce decree includes the finalized agreements on how everything should proceed – from the closing of joint bank accounts and paying off certain debts to child visitation and support payments. Here are some of the most typical forms included in the final divorce decree packet.

Summary of dissolution & judgment of dissolution and notice of entry of judgment

The first form is the one you or your spouse fill out to file the request for a divorce. Because California is a no-fault divorce state, you’re guaranteed the divorce will be finalized six months after you file as long as all of the paperwork is 100% correct. 

This is why we always recommend working with a family law mediator – even in a no-conflict divorce. It’s the only way to know everything will be completed and filed without the risk of anything being kicked back by the court for a small error. When that happens, you have to complete and submit the forms all over again, which re-starts the clock.

NOTE: Do not panic if your spouse refuses to sign the paperwork in the 30-day time frame specified by the court. If this happens, you show up for your court date as stated by the court and the divorce, and the court will accept all agreements stated in the paperwork you completed. Your spouse cannot contest anything in the divorce agreement after waiving their right to respond in 30 days.

Spousal support (FL-167) 

Depending on your marriage’s employment history, income, and other factors, one of you may have to pay spousal support (formerly known as alimony). This is a temporary situation in most cases, barring any prenuptial agreements that state otherwise.

The courts no longer expect one spouse to support the other for any longer than necessary. So, while alimony of the past was often for a lifetime, until remarrying, or for ten years, the courts now expect the person receiving spousal support to do whatever is necessary to obtain gainful employment, at which point those payments stop.

If you have to pay alimony, you can petition the court to change or cease payments at any time if you feel your ex-spouse’s financial situation is healthy enough for them to live without your assistance.

Child custody (visitation and support)

If you have children together, you’ll file forms pertaining to child custody (visitation and relevant support). We highly recommend couples with children use divorce mediation rather than finalizing a DIY or lawyer-facilitated divorce. There are multiple benefits of using divorce and child custody mediation – the largest of which is the reduced tension and drama. 

Children suffer greatly during and after a divorce so the more you can do to make this part as smooth, fair, and amicable as possible, the better it is for your children’s mental and emotional wellbeing.

Name change

For many, a divorce may be a time they wish to change their name back to whatever it was before the marriage. This can be done as part of the divorce proceedings – finalized in the divorce decree – as long as you fill out the legal name change portion of the forms.

Final decisions and instructions regarding property and asset division

Finally, a divorce technically means some type of distribution of properties and assets. This part is fairly straightforward because California is a community property state. Things to think about when discussing “who gets what” include considerations around:

• Existing prenuptial agreements.
• Do you own your own business?
• Properties, assets, or other items of value acquired during the divorce as inheritances (which are separate from community property).
• Is one person buying out the other’s share of the house to keep it, or is the house being sold to pay off joint debts, splitting the remaining equity?
• Is it worth it to forgo a portion or all of a spouse’s retirement fund to gain a different asset or account?
• Other financial considerations that should be addressed now to simplify post-divorce life.

Finally, are there any debts or assets your spouse doesn’t know about? If so, it’s time to come clean, as the court does not favor those who hide assets during legal proceedings. You can wind up facing serious penalties. 

Make Copies Of The Divorce Decree To Finalize Post-Judgment Transactions

Once the divorce is finalized, you and your ex-spouse must complete all of the necessary transactions outlined in the divorce decree within a set amount of time. In many cases, like name changes, property/title transfers, closing/accessing accounts, etc., you must provide a certified copy of the divorce decree. You can request certified copies of a divorce decree from the county clerk’s office in the county where the divorce was finalized.

Make a checklist of the items you’re responsible for and then tick through them as soon as possible to facilitate a clean break and a fresh new start.

Gerard A. Falzone Prioritizes Divorce Mediation To Facilitate Drama-Free Divorces

There is no need for drama, chaos, or unnecessarily long (and expensive) divorce proceedings. Connect with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about how you can get your official divorce decree finalized with a minimum investment and optimum integrity.

The moment you officially tell your spouse you want a divorce, and the aftermath of that conversation can never be completely undone; even if you change your mind, it’s a freeze-frame experience you’ll remember for the rest of your lives. 

If you have children, the energy and words exchanged during and after that conversation must be thoughtfully planned, as children are unwilling bystanders to an emotionally devastating change in their reality. How you approach the communication process – before, during, and after the initial announcement – can make the difference between an affordable, streamlined, and less stressful divorce – and one filled with drama, emotional harm, and lasting financial consequences.

6 Steps To Telling Someone You Want A Divorce & Simplifying The Process

After 40 years working as a family law expert specializing in divorce and child custody mediation, I believe how you tell your spouse you want a divorce is a key predictor of how the rest of the process will unfold. 

Here are six steps I advise for anyone considering or tottering over the fence around divorce.

Be very clear and 100% sure before you breathe a word

The words “I want a divorce” are weapons, and they trigger a myriad of powerful emotions and experiences for anyone who hears them – including your children. I recommend never uttering this sentiment unless you are 100% sure you want to proceed with a divorce and have a semblance of a plan in place. 

Outside of more extreme situations (unmitigated domestic abuse, addiction, unmanaged mental illness, etc.), couples can overcome and grow through incredibly challenging periods – often lasting for years – when they can let go of their personal agendas and utilize their resources. 

Ensure you’ve tried EVERYTHING:

• Is there identity work that needs to happen now that you’re in a different stage of life/relationship/family building/etc? Growing pains, rather than irreconcilable differences, can be deviously misleading. If so, giving each other permission to grow with a commitment to redefine the relationship and how you view one another can be powerfully freeing. A good therapist can help tremendously with those new agreements.
• Seeing a reputable family therapist you both like and trust (this can take a while to find, but is worth seeking).
• Review your prenuptial agreement with a family law professional. 
• Made a list of what life will look like before/after a divorce – including the pros and cons for everyone involved.
• Realizing that while the grass may not always be greener, there is no perfect person. The traits that drive us the craziest in our spouse will rear up in other ways in future relationships.

If you have no doubt this is the right move, it’s time to proceed with respect and dignity for both parties.

Decide whether a legal separation may be a good first step

The idea behind legal separation allows couples to experience what divorced life is like without the realities of divorce in play. They involve all the same features of a divorce – division of finances, living arrangements, child custody/visitation orders, child or spousal support if applicable, and so on. 

For many, this experience is a huge wake-up call, and couples find their way back to a healed and new “whole.” Others learn that separation has supported a higher-quality life for everyone and is the healthier way to proceed.

Think long and hard about your children’s needs

Children are the priority in any divorce. Perhaps it’s true that – overall – children fare better with parents who are happy and divorced than miserable and married. However, after working with hundreds of families over the years and redrafting child custody/visitation orders as needed, I can say that children are always haunted by their parent’s divorce, no matter how “good” or “bad” things were.

If you have opted to forgo therapy for yourselves, I highly advise getting family therapy for your children (again, focusing on one you all like and trust). The therapist can support your children’s emotional well-being while supporting both of you in maintaining healthy co-parenting boundaries and communication.

Review all of your divorce options

The media would have you believe that every divorce is contentious and turns into a court battle. This is only true for individuals and couples who are poorly advised by their divorce lawyers OR who don’t heed their lawyers’ advice.

These days, most people prefer to use divorce mediation or a collaborative divorce proceeding. Either way, you’ll experience far less stress, emotional upheaval, and financial drain than if you go the old-school “me vs. you” divorce battle.

Divorce mediation

With the divorce mediation model, you visit the same family law attorney together (and separately) to process your divorce fairly and equitably. This saves you thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars while also providing a neutral opinion on your situation. So, let’s say you believe your spouse owes you spousal support and they refuse to pay, or you want to take the entirety of a particular investment or asset rather than split it. Anything you tell the mediator will be shared with the other party (and vice versa) as the mediator works with both of you and holds an informed but neutral position.

A divorce mediator will let you know what a judge is most likely to rule in that case, and you can decide from there whether it’s worth a battle or not. Research proves that mediated (or collaborative) divorces are much healthier for all parties involved.

Collaborative divorce

With the collaborative divorce model, each of you hires a lawyer to feel personally represented (rather than neutrally represented), but the lawyers work with you both to come to the most equitable outcome in the least amount of time, minimizing the emotional fall-out. The lawyers are not required to share your information with the other side, but they are not interested in contributing to escalation or drama – quite the opposite. If this model appeals, you’ll look for lawyers specializing in collaborative divorces.

Set aside a clear space without the children around

You owe it to your spouse, yourself, and your children to have this conversation in a private and uninterruptible space. The calendar should be completely clear, with nowhere to go. Turn off any phones and gadgets to avoid interruptions.

If necessary, you may choose to have this final discussion in your therapist’s office or have a therapy session scheduled ASAP afterward to process what happened and keep a bigger picture and calm perspective on what is transpiring. 

Be calm and compassionate

Regardless of the water under the bridge, telling a spouse you want a divorce is a powerful and sad moment for your spouse – and you! Some people harden their hearts and are unkind in an effort to seem “in control” or “unaffected.” I don’t recommend that approach.

Perhaps you will both be far better off after your divorce. However, at this moment, you’re initiating the death of a dream, a marriage you got into “forever,” and – if you have children – the death of your children’s security in a nuclear family. If your spouse never thought this moment would come, they may be absolutely shocked or devastated – especially if their lives and identities are largely tied to their role in the family.

This conversation should not be filled with anger, resentment, or malice. It should be calm, compassionate, and tender. If things escalate, hold a strong boundary that you must stop the conversation and return to the table when you’re both calmer.

Schedule Divorce Mediation With The Law Offices Of Gerard A. Falzone

After a few years spent in contentious court battles, it was clear that divorce mediation and collaboration were the only ways for couples to divorce with the least amount of emotional fall-out for themselves and their families. I excel at helping couples process their own experience while working together to develop the best divorce settlements and child custody agreements for all involved.

Contact The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about your divorce options and for more guidance on how to tell your spouse you want a divorce. 

People don’t always realize that military divorces are somewhat different than their civilian counterparts. For example, one of the most significant differences is that divorce proceedings, including the final divorce and child custody agreements, are governed by the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act (USFSPA), which alters where an individual may (or may not) want to file for divorce.

We always recommend seeking pre-divorce legal counseling before officially filing for divorce. Working with a family law specialist beforehand ensures you know all of your options and professional advice on what to do – or what not to do – throughout the process.

5 Ways Military Divorce Is Different

Here are five ways military divorce proceedings are different.

Finalizing child custody and visitation proceedings may be more challenging

We’re putting this difference first because we believe the children’s best interest should ALWAYS be a top priority in any divorce – regardless of what water flows beneath the parents’ bridges. The states’ family law courts decide child support, and most states (including California) determine a service member’s portion using their total entitlement (base pay, housing allowance, subsistence allowance, and any other special pay). 

However, all military branches (excluding the Air Force) have their own rules on how much parents should pay. If you’re in the military, start there, and it may simplify things for you during the settlement process. Also, remember that once child support is set, only the family law court can change the amount. If anything about the military member’s pay will change in the near future due to deployments, base transfers, upcoming discharge, etc., speak to a lawyer about customizing the terms of the child support order ahead of time to prevent having to go back to court.

When it comes to child custody, the courts now tend to do what’s best for the child. However, unless there is something compromising or dangerous with remaining with the non-active duty spouse, it’s rare for active duty military personnel to get full child custody due to the upheaval and disruption in a child’s life if/when a parent is deployed. 

You have a choice about where to file your divorce

Typically, couples living in California for six months or more must file their divorce in California. This is not the case for couples where one or both people are in the military. Adults in many military couples have residency in two different states, which means you can choose which state you want to file your divorce. 

However, you’ll want to choose carefully. The USFSPA dictates that the state of legal residence of the military member always has the power to divide the military pension in a divorce. So, let’s say your spouse is in the military, and you are not. You live in California, and she lives in Tennessee. Usually, California is a community property state, which means all of your assets – including any retirement savings or pension funds accrued during your marriage – are split evenly. 

However, Tennessee is not a community property. It adopts something called equitable distribution, which means the state divides things equitably – but only sometimes equally. You want to file your divorce in the state that is most likely to distribute assets in your favor if there is a difference.

Active military personnel can file for a “Stay” through the SCRA

In California, the person filing for a divorce is called the “Petitioner,” and the person being served the divorce papers is the “Respondent.” Once served, the Respondent has 30 days to respond. If they don’t respond or sign the papers in 30 days, the Petitioner can continue moving forward by taking some extra steps. If you or your spouse is on active duty, you can request this time be extended.

The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act (SCRA) was designed to prevent active military members. This gives them up to 90 days to respond, and they can request more time on top of that. The “stay” is intended to keep active military members focused on their jobs so they aren’t consumed by the stress and steps required to move forward with a divorce. The military court will not continually grant extensions without good reason, but it’s worth being prepared. 

A non-military may be able to keep their healthcare plan

If you’ve been married for 20 years or more to an active duty member of the military, you may be able to keep your spouse’s TRICARE coverage at no cost. The military calls this the 20/20/20 rule (20 years of marriage, including 20 years of active duty and 20 years of overlap. If you have medical coverage available through your employer, TRICARE becomes the secondary form of insurance.

If you don’t meet the 20/20/20 rule, you may be able to pay for something called “conversion coverage” through the military’s Continued Health Care Benefit Program (CHCBP). There are several qualifying stipulations, but qualifying ex-spouses can have this coverage for at least 36 months, eventually allowing you to migrate onto your non-military insurance plan.

Dividing retirement plans can be tricky

Military pension and retirement plans can be tricky to divide in a divorce. In some cases, it makes more sense to trade retirement benefits for current assets to keep things streamlined. However, that isn’t always possible. If and how a military pension can or will be divided in a divorce varies according to multiple factors. 

Also, know that If a portion of your pension will be paid to your ex-spouse after retirement, you’ll probably be mandated to pay for something called the Survival Benefit Plan. This means that if you die before your ex-spouse, they’ll continue receiving their portion of your pension for the rest of their life. 

Gerard A. Falzone Provides Mediation & Collaboration For Military Divorces

Mediated or collaborative divorce are both smart options for navigating a military divorce efficiently and with the least amount of stress or contention possible. In addition to keeping you out of the courtroom, these variations in divorce proceedings can save you thousands of dollars.

Working with a family law specialist with experience handling military divorces is always best to ensure everyone’s best interests are honored during the proceedings. Contact Gerard A Falzone to schedule your military divorce consultation.

Adults should always be careful about what they post on social media because the record is there for all to see, including prospective employers. Now, family law judges pay closer attention to social media posts when making decisions about pending divorce, child custody, visitation, and child support/spousal support hearings.

As people become more impulsive and less thoughtful about posts – or don’t think to check peers’, family, or friends’ posts – social posts admitted as evidence in court are increasingly used as evidence against petitioners/responders in your divorce or child custody hearings.

Do NOT Do This On Social Media During Divorce Proceedings

Everyone should be mindful of their public image and how it can affect them, but this is especially true before, during, and after divorce proceedings. Depending on the evidence copied and pasted to be used against you, you may find yourself:

• In contempt of court or facing perjury charges.
• Losing child custody or visitation rights.
• Paying more in child or spousal support.
• Owing backpay for child/spousal support (paid with 10% interest to the recipient).
• Facing criminal charges.

Here are five things you should never do when using social media.

Disparage your spouse/child’s parent or post info about proceedings

Judges frown on immature, disparaging, or slanderous behavior from petitioners or respondents. No matter how mad or hurt you are by your spouse, never disparage them on social media. It automatically casts you in a poor light, which can continue to haunt you throughout the divorce proceedings. If your children have social media access, disparaging their other parent(s) may come back around to them, and that can be disastrous. 

Secondly, keep the details of the case private. While much of the information about the court proceedings becomes part of the public record, posting things publicly is considered uncivil and also casts a shadow on your integrity. If you’re dating someone new, and there are inappropriate posts about the two of you (partying, drinking, using drugs, etc.) this can also get you into trouble – including restrictions around your new partner being around when you have the kids.

Post or be part of a post that depicts you drunk, partying, participating in illicit activities, etc.

Yes, everyone deserves a night out; there is nothing illegal about going out and having a good time (unless you’re caught on film/post doing something illegal). However, these images and posts can be detrimental in a battle around child custody or visitation rights. 

While the court does its best to support 50/50 custody – or close to it – whenever it can, first and foremost, family law courts support children’s best interests. If your ex’s lawyer supports evidence from your own social media posts or those from your network, they could cost you time with your children, which also adds up to more child support you’ll have to pay.

Lie about the reason you’re postponing/canceling a visit with your child

If you tell your child’s other parent you can’t honor the visitation agreement due to a work event or family emergency, make sure it’s the truth. Because if they see a post anywhere online that you were actually doing something else, that can be used against you. Remember that while you can control what you post, you have no control over what your friends and outer-layer acquaintances post.

Things come up, life happens, and the ideal is that parents can work together on (in writing) trades/makeups, etc. However, honesty is always the best policy, or you could find yourself with less time available with your children. And, as we mentioned in #1, children with access to social media also find out you’re lying, which sets a horrible precedent and can destroy their trust in you.

Post pictures of work or side jobs if you’ve claimed unemployment

It’s not uncommon for people who work under the table or pick up side jobs to be dishonest about their income to avoid maximum child support payments. This is a huge mistake. First, it’s dishonest and illegal. Always be honest about your employment situation and income, as digital records can come back to haunt you, and penalty payments are staggering.

Second, anyone can hire a private investigator to follow you and find out otherwise. But these days, P.I.s are needed less and less due to irresponsible social media posting. A single post that shows/mentions you at work, boasting about things you’ve bought for yourself or your new partner (when you claim to have no money), or otherwise indicates you have an income you didn’t report (or lied about) is evidence and can be used to collect back-owed support with hefty interest. 

Post anything with your children that makes you look irresponsible

Were you and your kids swimming in a river clearly stating “no swimming due to strong current?” Did you take your child on vacation out of the state – or country – without prior written permission from their other parent? Is there a post showing you and your children at a celebration with people who are clearly drunk, high, or with paraphernalia in the background?

Anything that remotely hints that your children are not safe or are at all at risk while in your custody is solid grounds for stripping you from custody or visitation without supervision.

Tips For Social Media Posts During & After Divorce

If you’re in the process of getting divorced or fighting for child custody, there are things you can do to keep social media from working against you:

Clean up the account

Delete any posts that could be remotely incriminating, or that cast you in a negative light. Ask friends and family to do the same. 

Take a break or keep things very professional

If you wouldn’t want prospective employers, your grandmother, or a police officer to see the post, don’t post it.

Google yourself with parentheses, using any potential names, nicknames, or initials, and see what shows up. You may be surprised to see photos you never knew were public. If anything could count against you, try to get it removed.

Keep all digital communication in line

We’re discussing social media in this post, but all digital communication can be used against you. That includes texts, emails, voicemails, websites, internet history, etc. 

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Keeps Social Media Out Of It

Pursuing mediation, rather than litigation, is the best way to avoid social media being used against you during divorce or child custody proceedings. Mediation can save you thousands of dollars, months of wasted time, and unnecessary negative energy, and keep things on the higher road.

Contact The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about moving through your divorce or child custody proceedings with as little tension, angst, or negativity as possible.