Once the divorce is final and child custody and visitation agreements are in place, most families find a rhythm to it, and life begins to move forward in the “new normal.” However, joint custody over the holidays can throw a big fat wrench in the works.  

For example, this year, the Christmas and New Year’s holidays fall right smack dab in the middle of the weekend, which may not flow with families who have every-other-weekend visitation built into their schedules. Some parents may be just fine with taking a child over the entirety of a holiday break. For others, that’s a significant work/child care struggle, regardless of what the child custody agreement decrees. 

Always Put The Child’s Wellbeing First

Now is the time to compare your child’s schedule, the school schedule, and the other parent’s schedules to come up with a holiday visitation calendar that puts the child’s emotional wellbeing first but honors the tenets of your agreement. 

Honor your child’s feelings when it comes to joint custody over the holidays 

This doesn’t mean that if your child says s/he wants to spend more time with you than the other parent, you get to honor that. It means you need to keep any negativity, irritation, or frustration about the other parent completely separate from your child. Children tend to take on the responsibility for their parent’s divorce and unhappiness. They often feel they are the ultimate cause. Any negative energy they pick up from you about their other parent is internalized and can manifest in different ways such as academic struggles, social anxiety, depression, and anxiety.  

Take care of child custody business away from children’s hearing and witnessing so they can enjoy the best relationship possible with each parent. 

Review the child custody/visitation order 

If the divorce or child custody agreement is fairly new, get it out and review it to make sure you both understand the holiday agreements. Sometimes, clients are “sure” of a specific agreement – only to find the court order is different. The court’s final order is the rule you have to follow. If your situation has changed and you need to modify that, you can do it in writing as a shared agreement – and leave the court out of it. If, however, you feel it may become an issue down the road, it’s best to request a post-custody modification from the court.  

Get everything in writing 

Most child custody agreements include things like “every other holiday” turns or “Christmas Eve with one parent/Christmas day with the other,” etc. The challenge is that some holidays float through the calendar year and may land on a weekend or weekday that would have been the other parent’s typical visitation day.  

Negotiating agreements within the general family law court guidelines are fine, but it’s best to get everything in writing. Start an email chain (email is almost always better than text) that outlines where children are on each day of the November/December/early January days – and that clearly states both parents’ agreement once it’s decided. This keeps things clear and transparent. 

Keep an open and gracious mindset 

Be as gracious to your ex as you want him/her to be with you. If your sister is coming from out of state and would like to visit the kids for dinner or lunch, ask permission and reiterate that you will do the same in return if/when a similar situation happens on the other side.  

Again, this is always what’s best for the children – who should feel like they have somewhat of a healthy flow between households and extended family visits – as needed – regardless of what the “letter of the law” dictates. Never use your children (or power plays) as pawns. 

Keep children out of negotiations 

This is a reiteration of #1. Your children should never feel like they’re part of an emotional or powerplay tug of war between parents. They want to rest in as much open-hearted grace and fluidity as possible so they can remain healthy, loving, and respectful relationships with each one. To this end, do not discuss any changes to the plans until everything is decided. Once the plan is official and parents agree, is it okay to share the finalized plan with children.  

If things are strained, or you and the other parent have a history of contentious negotiations, try to use written documentation as much as possible. Do what you need to do (breathwork, seeing a therapist, stress-reduction apps, etc.) to remain respectful and businesslike no matter how triggered you are. Your words and sentiments could come back to haunt you in future child custody modifications, so always strive to take the high road. 

Need Help Negotiating Joint Custody Over The Holidays?

Do you find it nearly impossible to create changes to the plan or negotiate joint custody over the holidays? There’s no need to go to court, but I do recommend seeking support from a neutral child custody mediator. For a reasonable fee, we can sit down together and resolve the holiday visitation schedule for this year as well as the years to come. Contact the Law Offices of Gerard Falzone to create a healthy, balanced, and children-first holiday custody and visitation agreement.

For the most part, California family law courts believe both parents have equal rights to their children and support a 50/50 custody split. Parents create a child custody agreement and visitation calendar that afford children even time with each parent when that happens. Child support becomes a non-issue unless there is a dramatic discrepancy in the quality of life between households. 

That said, child custody battles abound. And that is where the courts become involved. 

California Child Custody Basics 

Before we begin, let’s review legal child custody basics: 

• Legal custody: This refers to who makes important decisions for your children (like health care, education, and welfare). In most cases, this is split 50/50 between both parents, regardless of who the child(ren) lives with. Both parents’ signatures are required for any legally relevant documentation. 
• Physical custody: This refers to who the child lives with, and it is split in various ways. 50/50, 80/20 (the every-other-weekend setup), 70/30 (every other weekend and one night per week), and so on. 
• Joint custody: This is when both parents share the right and responsibility to make important decisions about the children’s health, education, and welfare. 
• Sole custody: Sometimes the court awards (or parents agree to) only 1 parent has the right and responsibility to make the important decisions about the health, education, and welfare of the children AND the children live solely with that parent. 
• Child support: Child support depends largely on who has the child more often. Unless there are major income discrepancies, child support is not awarded in 50/50 custody splits. 

Seek Child Custody Mediation Whenever Possible 

After more than four decades in family law, I cannot tell you how devastating child custody battles are to witness and take part in. The bottom line is that unless you truly feel your child’s wellbeing is compromised (physical, verbal, emotional abuse, or neglect), these battles do a tremendous amount of harm to the children. Only proceed if you are doing it for them – and not your ego! 

Whenever possible, work with a family law professional who specializes in divorce and child custody mediation. Using the mediation process, family law attorneys serve as completely neutral parties. We listen to both sides, help you find common ground that supports the well-being of everyone involved and the bigger picture, and can provide recommendations based on how we suspect a judge would decide regarding any given scenario.  

Read Why Divorce Mediation is the Best Way to Handle Child Custody for more on that topic.  

Also, it’s worth pointing out that successful mediation saves clients thousands – or tens of thousands – of wasted dollars on traumatic and emotionally stressful court battles. 

5 Factors That Affect Child Custody & Visitation 

If you DO opt to go to court, here are the factors the judge evaluates when reviewing your case and your child’s best interests (ren). 

The child’s best interest 

This has nothing to do with who the child is closest to, but more about his/her wellbeing on all counts. For example, if there is a documented history of physical or emotional/verbal abuse, the judge reviews that. If your family has worked with an MFT or mental health professional who strongly believes one parent is less fit to have custody of a child, his/her records may factor into this equation as well. A child’s academic or behavioral records may also come into play if they are relevant or a school counselor/administrator has valid insight. 

History of drug or alcohol abuse 

Be very careful when pursuing this unless things are clean on your side of the street. Never accuse the other parent of alcoholism or drug addiction unless you have documented evidence or proof – and you aren’t a regular consumer of those chemicals yourself. I’ve seen plenty of parents trying to pin alcoholism on the other parent even though they are daily drinkers themselves. This doesn’t work. The same is true for drugs. “He drinks/uses drugs more than I do!” is not an argument that holds up in court. 

You must truly believe the child’s other parent has an addiction or substance abuse problem and may need to spend thousands of dollars in private investigator fees to prove it if you don’t have evidence of your own. However, if the court rules in your favor, they may recommend supervised visits for now and will offer the other partner guidelines for reclaiming custody. This includes requirements such as joining (and consistently attending) substance/rehab programs, routine drug testing, etc. If the parent compies, s/he earns the right to custody and unsupervised visits back. 

A tween or teen child’s preference 

By the time a child is aged 12 to 14, the courts are more willing to listen to his/her side. If the reason for wanting to move in with one parent over the other has to do with better rules, better food, or easier to get along with, the judge could care less and will still advocate for some type of joint custody.  

If, however, the adolescent or teen can give solid reasons in one parent’s favor, the judge is apt to pay attention and may alter the custody/visitation agreement accordingly. 

The parent works late hours and often travels for business 

In this case, the judge may not rule in your favor, BUT s/he might rule that you have the first right of refusal to have your child when the other parent is at work or on business trips. In that case, you may have your child more often, and that difference will be compensated in child support payments that honor your extra time/expenses. 

Mental or emotional instability 

This is such a hard one. It is hard to prove unless the other parent has a diagnosable mental illness that is known to compromise their parenting/decision-making. For example, depression and high anxiety probably aren’t enough to make your case. Clinically diagnosed and unmanaged narcissism, borderline personality disorder, severe manic depression, schizophrenia, etc., are potential reasons a court might decide in your favor.  

Read Mental Illness & Child Custody…, from bridgestorecovery.com for more about that topic. 

Again, this path isn’t easy because it’s difficult to prove, messy to defend, and exposes confidential information about the other parent. I recommend taking a very compassionate and soft approach if this is truly an issue for your family and your children’s safety/wellbeing is compromised by living with the other parent.  

This is an area where child custody mediation can be a tremendous help. Creating a non-confrontational space where the child(ren)’s best interest is the priority, you may find the other parent willing to create a “for now” custody agreement with you based on their treatment and management timeline. 

Do you need help navigating the possibilities around child custody and visitation? Contact the Law Offices of Gerard A Falzone.  

Spousal support is a term used by family law courts to describe a sum of money paid from one party to the other after divorce to support the recipient’s “accustomed lifestyle” up to a certain point. 

For example, spousal support would help an ex-spouse who was typically home with the children or who had a part-time job so s/he can pay general living expenses in their new home. However, it is not intended to accommodate luxury items for the average Bay Area divorcee. 

Spousal support vs alimony, the terms are often used interchangeably, but the way they are decided upon, upheld by the courts, and terminated are the same. 

Spousal Support vs Alimony: What’s The Difference? 

The terms are the same. Alimony is an “old-fashioned” way to describe spousal support. It goes back to when women predominantly stayed home without working or a means of income, while men brought home the paycheck. As a result, during a divorce, the courts decided on a set amount of money an ex-husband paid to the wife every month (separate from child support) until a specified amount of time.  

Back when we referred to it as alimony, payment duration was usually set until the wife remarried, OR the ex-husband went back to the courts to ask for a modification or termination. Today, we refer to this monthly payment as “spousal support” because it may be paid from either partner to the other during the separation, divorce proceedings, and beyond. Usually, the one who makes the most money each month is the one left paying spousal support if that’s what the courts decide. 

After over 40 years of experience with divorces and family law, I can assure you that working with a divorce mediator is the best way to avoid paying spousal support, minimize the spousal support amount, or come up with the most reasonable length of time to terminate the payments. Read Could Your Divorce Benefit From Mediation to learn more about that. 

How Is Spousal Support Determined? 

One benefit of divorce mediation is that you can set your spousal support agreement without involving the courts. Sometimes, the .gov spousal support and child support calculators spit out figures that simply aren’t realistic. A realistic compromise is the best alternative, and agreeing in a family law mediator’s office is far more affordable than paying to have the judge decide. 

If you do take your divorce into the courtroom, the judge considers multiple factors. Some of the most critical include: 

Earning potential of both parties 

If you have a viable degree, certification(s), experience, and skillsets that are still relevant in the current job market, the judge is less likely to award spousal support. Or, they’re likely to award a smaller amount for a reasonable amount of time, expecting you to re-enter the workforce once you are settled. 

Note: If you own a business, I highly recommend seeking pre-divorce counseling with a family law attorney before beginning the divorce proceedings. You don’t want to risk losing your business as a result of its asset value when the judge is evaluating each party’s individual worth or income potential. 

Child support obligations 

If one party pays child support, the courts subtract that amount from their net income and then factor the spousal support into the equation. This is one reason why spousal support payments are fading fast for California’s middle class. Many people simply cannot pay more than the child support they’re already paying while still maintaining a decent standard of living, which may drastically reduce or eliminate their need to pay spousal support.  

If children are involved in the divorce, consider seeking child custody mediation to support the emotional wellbeing of your children at all costs. I also recommend reading, The Biggest Child Support Mistakes to Avoid. 

A sufficient standard of living 

Suppose the earning differential between the two of you is marginal. In that case, you will both have the same “standard of living” (more or less) after the divorce because California is a community property state, and communal assets are divided equally. If, however, there is a significant income discrepancy, the judge may award a larger alimony settlement to support the less-earning spouse for a certain amount of time. 

An individual’s ability to pay spousal support 

Again, this is largely determined by income discrepancy between both parties. If the higher-earning party can barely pay reasonable living expenses, the judge may not award much spousal support at all. For example, if the higher-income earning party rents a two-bedroom apartment in the Bay Area and has 50% custody of the children, the judge would rarely award a spousal support payment that would compromise basic the payor’s living standards. 

Similarly, if you’ve recently lost your job, changed your job, or experienced a decrease in earnings, you should file spousal support (alimony) modification ASAP to lower or cease payments. 

The duration of the marriage 

Spousal support payments also reflect the length of the marriage, including the number of years a payor has to make the payments. Typically, the rule of thumb is that the person who has to pay spousal support must do so for one-half the length of the marriage (often up to 10 years).  

A history of abuse 

If there is a documented history of physical or emotional abuse, the judge will consider that. Victims of domestic abuse, both verbal and physical, can have a harder time re-entering society as an independent income earner, leading to larger spousal support payments or payments made for a more extended period than average. 

Age and health of both parties 

While algorithms and calculators can give a black-and-white perspective as to who owes what, most judges honor personal stories as well. A person’s age, retirement, and health conditions may also factor in how the judge decides.  

Click Here to read the California Family Law code for specifics pertaining to the criteria used to determine spousal support. 

Are you worried you can’t afford to pay spousal support for an upcoming divorce? Are you currently paying spousal support vs alimony even though you can’t afford it? Contact the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone. I can support you in various ways, ranging from pre-divorce legal counseling, mediation, or helping you file for spousal support or child support modifications. 

Couples do not get married with the intention of getting divorced, but when a marriage is no longer functional, it’s necessary to find the best alternative. In our culture, divorce is typically the end result, but how that result comes about – and the ramifications or consequences of that result – depends entirely on the process you select to dissolve the legal marriage standing and choose a new set of agreements. 

Mediation Eliminates The Trauma Of A Courtroom Divorce  

I completed law school and joined the California bar in 1982. At that time, divorce almost always meant hiring a lawyer and going before a judge to finalize the process and agreements. Unfortunately, for the weeks and months required to finalize decisions, each “side’s” lawyer encouraged their client to fight for this or fight for that. The stress this lengthy process created led to more frantic and less thoughtful decision-making by the parties involved.  

The tension, anger, and resentment that built through the divorce proceedings, in addition to the strife that led to divorce in the first place, wholly traumatized individuals and their families. The failure of the modern court system to support conflict resolution, resilience, tolerance, mutual respect, and integrity led to the development of family law mediation.  

The benefit of mediation process allows individuals to dissolve or legally end their marriage in a way that puts everyone’s emotional wellbeing at the forefront of the process. The goal is to come to agreements that make sense for the good of the whole, with respect to what a judge is most likely to decide if it were to go before the courts.  

How Your Divorce Can Benefit From Mediation 

Ultimately, I prefer to practice using a mediation approach whenever possible. If clients can’t come to an agreement, I’m happy to support them in the courtroom, but I advise keeping the idea of “going to court” as a last resort. Fortunately, divorce mediation is successful more often than not.  

There are five benefits of using mediation to facilitate legal divorce proceedings and make sound custody and visitation agreements. 

Your children are far less traumatized 

Trauma is a powerful word, and I don’t use it lightly. However, research clearly shows that divorce is a trauma for most children. The effects of divorce correlate with a child’s increased risk of behavioral problems, emotional instability, academic struggles, heightened anxiety, and alcohol/drug abuse. 

Read, Effects of Divorce on Child School Performance to learn more about one facet of the painful legacy of divorce for children. If you have children, I absolutely recommend starting with a family law mediator before hiring a divorce lawyer. 

I also recommend working with a family therapist to support your children through the process. Even the “best divorce” is painful for all involved, but children are the most vulnerable and compromised parties in almost all cases. Not only do they not have a say in the bulk of the proceedings, they often misunderstand the causes and precursors to divorce and believe they were the cause. Supporting your children and minimizing the negative impacts of divorce proceedings is a parent’s ultimate responsibility.  

You’ll save thousands of dollars 

Money is clearly not the most important thing, and yet it is the driving force behind our economy, ability to pay for homes, medical care, bills, food, etc. For that reason, it makes sense to spend it on things that make sense.  

According to Nolo.com, the average cost of a conventional divorce is $12,900 ($11,300 of that is typically paid to attorneys. The average cost for divorce mediation ranges between $3000 and $8000. Since mediation is almost entirely based on a per-session or per-hour fee basis, that range reflects the differences between a couple who could make decisions within a handful of sessions and one that needed a family law mediator to facilitate their debates, conversations, and decisions a dozen or more times.  

It’s also important to say that plenty of my clients pay $1000 or less. That typically means they’ve done their homework, prepared for the mediation process ahead of time, and were most likely to make decisions from a centered place rather than an angry one. 

Another benefit from mediation, maintaining your integrity

Really good people can make really horrible decisions when they’re stressed, fatigued, or resentful. I’ve seen the calmest, kindest, and most compassionate people do and say terrible things to their soon-to-be-ex-spouses. Stress, financial and emotional instability, anger, and fatigue all do their part to whittle away the ability to make sound, big-picture decisions. If you aren’t careful, your integrity is at risk. 

The divorce mediation process is facilitated by an expert who helps you diffuse high emotions. That rational facilitation helps you return to a stable foundation from which to make decisions about property, assets, child custody, and other terms of a divorce agreement. 

Integrity is invaluable. Making your way through a divorce process with your integrity intact means that you can move forward into your new life with far less doubt, regret, or self-loathing. You will rarely owe any apologies for your actions or sound decisions made through divorce mediation. Your children will not be wounded because of the inappropriate, degrading, or negative things they overheard you saying about your ex-spouse. 

There is no value that can be put on saying that you are legally divorced and that you and your ex-spouse can greet each other with mutual respect (even if there is no love lost between you). Children are infinitely grateful when they look back and know their parents got divorced with the children’s long-term wellbeing as the highest priority.  

Before meeting with a divorce lawyer, I encourage you to imagine a different way. Consider how your divorce process will benefit from mediation. Divorce and family law mediation exist to diffuse as much negativity as possible while ensuring equitable decisions are made every step of the way.  

If you’re interested in learning more about divorce mediation and how it can streamline your divorce proceedings while honoring each individual and the family, schedule a consultation with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone.