Common Misconceptions About Spousal Support In California

common misconceptions about spousal support in california Spousal support, also known as alimony, is one of the least understood aspects of a divorce. Unlike child support, which is always a given and straightforward calculation based on joint parent income, spousal support is more complicated.

According to the California family law courts:

Spousal support is a court-ordered payment from one spouse or domestic partner to help cover the other’s monthly expenses. In California, when it is between married persons, support is called spousal support. It’s called domestic partner support between domestic partners.

The goal of spousal support is to:

Help a lower-earning spouse achieve the same standard of living as they had before the divorce.
Provide temporary support while the lower-income or non-earning spouse receives education and training to increase their earning potential.

These payments are not designed to perpetually support an ex-spouse for the long term unless there are special circumstances.

If you’re preparing to file for divorce and are wondering whether or not you’ll pay (or receive) spousal support, we recommend scheduling a pre-marital divorce legal counseling session. In addition to preparing you for divorce proceedings, these sessions can provide a sound overview of what spousal support may or may not mean in your case.

5 Common Myths About Spousal Support In California

The parameters determining whether spousal support is paid vary from case to case, leading to several misconceptions about spousal support in California.

Spousal support is always paid from the husband to the wife

This was the standard in the era where men were the primary income providers and women were the primary homemakers and childraisers. Once women entered the workforce, the “standards” around alimony began to waver.

Today, spousal support may be paid by the former husband or wife. This largely depends on who the larger income earner is and whether or not the discrepancy in the individuals’ income significantly affects the lower earner’s standard of living.

One party always has to pay spousal support

Another alimony myth is that one party always has to pay spousal support to another party. This is also untrue. Alimony is only paid if the income discrepancy between the two parties is significant enough to notably impact the lower earner’s standard of living. In many cases, this discrepancy may be alleviated by the child support payments, which would decrease or eliminate the court order for spousal support.

Also, courts evaluate more than just each spouse’s current earnings. They also look at each person’s earning potential. If the earning potential is relatively equal, the courts typically encourage each parent to become employed at their full earning potential rather than award alimony.

You pay spousal support for a lifetime

In most cases, spousal support is temporary. The payments are made until the other party has enough time and opportunity to become employed and earn a livable income.

In temporary spousal support scenarios, alimony is paid until:

The other spouse remarries (cohabiting with a partner can also affect this)
The order ends (some judges automatically set an end date, often half the length of the marriage).
The person paying alimony is granted a modification by the courts (more on that in #4).

However, there are times when the court awards long-term or even permanent spousal support. This is more common in cases where the marriage was long (10 years or more) and one spouse hasn’t worked for all or most of the marriage OR one spouse’s earnings far exceed the others.

In these cases, it may not be as easy or reasonable for the lower- or non-income-earning party to go back to school or get job training that would accommodate the income standards they’re used to.

The payment amount is permanently set

In most cases, the courts adhere to the spousal support calculator to determine what—if any—spousal support can be paid out. This amount is a guideline, and additional factors may influence what the courts include in the final spousal support order. As long as the order remains in place, the stated amount must be paid. However, the person paying spousal support can always ask for a modification.

Spousal support modifications

You can request a spousal support modification any time you feel that what you’re paying no longer reflects the situation that existed when the payments were set. This includes things like:

You’re unemployed or have experienced a notable decrease in pay.
The person getting paid now makes more than they used to.
The person getting paid lives with a partner, and their financial obligations have decreased.
The person you paid now makes far more than you (in which case, you may be able to file for spousal support payments in some cases).

If the calculator yields a minimal number, you can also request that you not be ordered to pay spousal support, especially if you’ll be making child support payments. For example, the amount the calculator spits out may be minimal ($300 or less), in which case the judge may agree to forgo it if it wouldn’t make a notable difference in the other person’s standard of living. OR, you may opt to deduct the equivalent of the total spousal support payments from your share of the assets before the divorce, forgoing any order to pay monthly.

So, for example, let’s say you were married for 10 years, and the spousal support calculator states you owe $250 per month. The courts could order you to pay $250 per month for five years (half the amount of the marriage), OR they may agree to you paying a lump sum of $15,000 ($250 x 12 months x 5 years) from your share of the marital assets.

Spousal support is used as punishment for cheating or abusive spouses

The media has provided many misrepresentations of how alimony works, especially for the average middle-class American. The idea that a cheating or abusive spouse will “pay for all the suffering they’ve caused” during the divorce simply isn’t true when it comes to spousal support or divorce settlements in California, which is a no-fault community property state (regardless of either party’s behavior).

Our state is very judicious regarding fair, objective parameters for asset distribution, child support, and spousal support payments. Joint assets are split down the middle, and income-driven mathematical algorithms almost entirely dictate child/spousal support payments.

Ready To Create Drama-Free Spousal Support Agreements?

Would you like to create a drama-free divorce and spousal agreement that saves you thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees? Schedule a divorce mediation session with the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone.

As a neutral family law expert, I work with both of you to come to a divorce agreement that aligns with the court’s most likely outcomes without any of the stress or financial burdens associated with long-drawn-out divorce cases.

What To Do If Your Ex Relocates With The Kids Without Permission?

what to do if your ex relocates with the kids without permission First and foremost, any relocation that takes a child away from their regular school district or outside of a reasonable distance/commute from a co-parent who has child custody or visitation rights is against the law. However, the situation can get sticky if there’s no child custody or visitation agreement in place.

We always recommend seeking support from a family law professional if your ex relocated with the children without permission to determine the best course of action. If the issue cannot be resolved without a judge, it is considered a relocation or move-away case.

CA Courts Support Relocations (Without Permission) If They Don’t Alter Legal Agreements

First, we need to be clear about the type of relocation. Your ex has permission to move whenever and wherever they want without your permission as long as the move does not violate the terms of the child custody and visitation agreement.

While you may be irritated or frustrated by the move or the other parent’s lack of communication, the courts typically won’t have an issue if the move or relocation:

Is within a reasonable distance (CA considers a distance of 20 miles or more to be “long distance” for co-parenting).
The children remain in the same schools/district
The relocation is to a safe, residential structure.

While we never recommended any parent relocating children without notifying the other parent, as long as the terms of the custody/visitation agreement remain intact, it is not illegal. Of course, they must provide you with contact information ASAP, or else it could be construed as absconding with a child (kidnapping).

California family law courts put the children’s well-being and best interests first in child custody cases. If you feel the move puts your child at risk in any way, that it interferes with the current custody/visitation agreement, or is a direct violation of your rights as the legal or physical custodian of your child, contact a lawyer.

Child Relocation Situations Where Courts Get Involved

Here are some of the child relocation situations that warrant some type of legal action on your behalf:

You feel your child is in danger

If, for any reason, you feel your child(ren) is in danger, you can speak to your county court or a local family law professional to help you file a temporary emergency child custody order. The courts expedite the review and hearings for these orders, so you’ll typically have a decision within a few business days.

Consulting with a family lawyer or the free legal assistance provided by your local county court is the best way to determine whether the case warrants it. Keep in mind that if you’re viewed as over-reacting OR if interpersonal issues with your ex-spouse are a driving force for this action (rather than a true threat to a child or custody/visitation), you could be penalized by the court.

They’ve moved the child out of the county, state, or country

It is illegal for a parent to relocate with a child out of the county, state, or country without the other parent’s permission (an exception may be if the move still keeps them within 19 miles of your home and the children can still attend the same schools, extracurricular activities, etc.

Even taking a vacation out of state or country requires written permission from the other parent, so moving children to another state or country without written permission from the other legal or custodial parent. That type of long-distance move, particularly without at least 45 days advance notice, is not viewed favorably by the courts without a proven and extenuating circumstance.

The move negatively impacts your ability to have custody/visitation of your child

Child custody agreements outline two separate types of custody: legal and physical. Depending on the situation, two parents may share legal custody, but one may have primary or majority physical custody of the child. In California, parents often share 50/50 legal and physical custody of their child.

This agreement is legally binding. However, the courts also recognize that it’s a living document and that things change yearly as your children grow up. Changes to the agreement can be made without a new legal document, but they are best done in writing to create a verifiable paper trail.

If your ex-spouse moved more than 20 miles away, the distance affects how often you can physically see or visit your child within the current custody/visitation agreement. The move may also take your child out of their current school district. In either case, your ex shouldn’t have moved without communicating with you and creating a new child custody agreement that reflects reasonable changes based on where/how far away they moved.

It negatively impacts your child (or not)

The older your child is, the more the child custody or visitation agreement may need to evolve with the child’s needs and preferences. The court can prevent a move (or grant sole physical custody to the non-relocated parent) if they feel the move is not in the child’s best interest or negatively impacts their well-being. (Cal. Fam. Code § 7501(a) (2023).

That said, if your child is old enough to speak about their preferences and give substantial support for their feelings, and they prefer the move, this could impact your case. Courts are more apt to listen to older children (10+) or may also ask for information from a qualified, reputable family therapist to help determine what’s best.

Sometimes, a child wants to change schools or districts because the new one is better for their social, academic, or extracurricular life. The court may consider this. That said, the court frowns upon anyone who moves a child without providing at least 45 days’ notice to the other parent, especially if that move impacts the current custody/visitation agreement.

You are notorious for speaking ill of the other spouse or initiating negative drama

Studies are very clear that children with divorced parents fare best when their parents both practice healthy co-parenting and communication (leaving their interpersonal affairs out of the children’s awareness to the best of their ability).

The courts do not support this either. On their page about relocating with a child, the CA family law court is clear the relationship between co-parents can play a role in a judge’s decision:

A judge can consider the co-parenting relationship. Do the parents talk badly about one another in front of the child? Do they allow the other parent to have access to or contact with the child (following the court order)?

The older a child gets, the less they want to be put in the middle or absorb one or the other parent’s negativism about their other parent. That can include a child no longer wanting to live with the parent prone to speaking badly about the other, opting to be in the more peaceful parent’s home.

Schedule A Child Custody Mediation Session With The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone

Is your co-parent talking about a move or relocation that would jeopardize the child custody or visitation agreement? Or did your ex move more than 20 miles away with your child without your permission? Take a pause and create a clearheaded plan that doesn’t contribute to more negative strain that can impact your child’s well-being.

Schedule a free discovery session with a child custody mediator at the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone. After more than forty years supporting Bay Area families, we’ve seen first-hand how mediation sessions are far healthier and can reshape co-parenting and child custody/visitation agreements for the good of the whole. We’ll review your case and help you determine the best way forward for your child and their future.

Relocating With Your Kids After A Divorce

relocating with your kids after a divorce Divorce visitation agreements are legally binding. Each parent is accountable for those documents. Both parents must agree upon any variation, including relocating with their kids after the divorce.

According to the California Family Law Courts, parents can change where a child lives as long as they can still uphold the current child custody and visitation agreements, including reasonable transportation to and from visitation locations, and both parties agree with the move.

If a relocation will take the children more than a reasonable distance from the other parent, especially if the relocation will be to another county or state, it is almost always better to draft a new child custody and visitation agreement with a family law attorney to avoid potential litigation from the other parent.

5 Considerations Before Relocating With Your Kids After A Divorce

If you are found in violation of your child custody agreement, the other parent will almost always have the upper hand in any ensuing lawsuit.

This list of five things to consider before moving away with your kids after a divorce can help determine whether the move makes sense or is worth pursuing in court if your former spouse is opposed.

Is it in the best interest of the children?

California is a no-fault divorce state. This means that the reasons you divorced your former spouse have little to do with the court’s support of parental rights. While there are exceptions to this, such as a history of substance abuse, domestic violence, or anything else that may threaten a child’s safety, the courts always prioritize the child’s right to have an equitable relationship with each parent.

If the move you are making is not in the best interest of your children but has more to do with your personal best interest, it is doubtful the courts will support that move. Significant evidence must show that your children will fare better in your future destination.

Is your former spouse on board with the move?

You would think that if your ex-spouse is on board with the move, it would be an easy yes. But that may not be the case. The courts listen to kids’ input once they’re 14, and they will not typically support a relocation unless it’s necessary (involuntary job transfer, military relocation, etc.) if they feel your children’s emotional or mental well-being will be compromised by changing schools and starting over in a new location.

However, assuming your children are under 14 and your former spouse is on board with the move, you may be able to relocate without the necessary legal work. In this case, it’s still advised that you use child custody mediation to draft a document outlining the new child visitation agreement, but these don’t necessarily need to be filed with the court.

NOTE: Even if your spouse verbally approves your relocation, always get their approval in writing. This can be a typed and printed/signed paper agreement or an email stating all of the details of the move and anyways it will impact the current custody visitation agreement. In the case of an email, you will want your ex-spouse to reply that they accept all of the terms in your email and are on board with the move. If your ex-spouse gets angry later on and there is no written record of the agreement, you risk being held in violation of the legal custody agreement.

Is this move taking place out of spite?

Again, the best interests of the children are always the court’s highest priority if there is any indication that this move is unnecessary or, more importantly, done out of personal spite, there is no point in pursuing it.

Provide ample written notice to your ex-spouse before relocating with your kids

Deciding to relocate your children, especially if it impacts your ex-spouse’s custody and visitation rights, is a very big deal. They deserve ample notice so they have time to process what this means for them and their relationship with your children and to perform their due diligence if they oppose the decision.

We recommend providing at least 60 days’ notice and no less than 45 days’ notice, which will also look better from the Court’s perspective if this evolves into a child custody lawsuit.

Be proactive in creating a custody and visitation plan for your ex-spouse

To support your cause, you can proactively create a sample custody and visitation plan that accommodates a similar amount of quality time your children would have with the other parent.

So, for example, if you are moving more than an hour or two away – where weekend or every two-weekend visits are unreasonable – the new custody plan may involve giving up the majority of your children’s long weekends, holidays, and summer vacations so that the kids can spend significant quality time with their other parent. If that’s the case, think seriously before committing. You may miss having your kids around for those traditional moments and your summer holidays. The new agreement that you created will be a legally binding agreement – which may jeopardize the amount of time you get to be with your kids.

Also, remember that as your children get older and more involved in school and with their friends, this arrangement may be extremely distasteful to them. We’ve had cases where teenage children moved back with the other parent, with approval from the court, because they resent the parent’s decision to move away and want to return to their original community family and friends.

Schedule A Child Custody Mediation Session At The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone

Are you thinking about relocating with your kids after a divorce to a location that would impact a current child custody and visitation schedule? Schedule a consultation at the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone.

During this first session, I can review your current custody and visitation order, discuss your move and the reasons for it, and give you an idea of how the courts might decide on your case if your ex-spouse opposes the plan. If your ex-spouse agrees with the move, I can meet with both of you and help you draft a new child custody and visitation agreement that supports your children’s well-being and a healthy relationship with both of their parents.

Dealing With Divorce During The Holidays

dealing with divorce during the holidays The holidays bring extra challenges for those going through a divorce and those who got divorced in the past year or two. This is especially true if you have children. These tips can help you cope with the complicated feelings that arise while doing your best to enjoy special holiday moments with your family.

The season and just after the new year is one of the most common times of year that people initiate and file divorces. There are so many triggers that come up for individuals at this time of year and the holidays can bring it all to a head.

Tips For How To Cope With Divorce During The Holidays

After more than 40 years working in family law mediation, supporting spouses and families to minimize conflict, I’ve observed what helps them navigate the holidays amid such a tender and charged time.

Here are five things that can make a tremendous difference, ensuring you can find moments of peace and joy, even when everything feels overwhelming or bleak.

Schedule an extra appointment with your therapist if needed

I see first-hand how therapy can support individuals, couples, and their children – even if it doesn’t work to “save the marriage.” Having some extra time in the therapist’s office to vent about what you’re experiencing and get fresh input around emotional tools that can help you can make all the difference.

Children also benefit from having an objective person to share their experiences with and to give them coping strategies for the inevitably challenging moments ahead.

Create a list of 5 emotional support tools (and have it ready)

There will be so many potential triggers, from your personal history of not-so-great holiday memories and the grief of your own divorce to difficult family dynamics or the impression that every other family is happy but yours.

Having a go-to list of emotional support tools on a note card in your pocket or on your phone provides something physical that you can look at to help get your emotions back on track. This might include things like:

Taking three to five deep belly breaths (exhale for two counts longer than the inhale).
Listening to a guided meditation.
Going outside to focus on something in nature, like the leaves on a tree, clouds, stars, etc.
Coming up with a line or mantra that resonates with you, like, “This too shall pass,” “All will be well,” “I will make it through this,” or “One moment at a time.” Of course, feel free to make your own (and snarky versions that make you smile are just as good as the meaningful ones).
Burning energy with physical movement (do jumping jacks in a bathroom stall if you need to.

These are just some examples that clients have shared with me regarding divorce during the holidays. Create a list of things that help you get back to a more centered calm.

Make Co-parenting a top priority

If you share custody with your ex-spouse, now’s the time to double down on those co-parenting agreements you’ve made. You are bound to feel yourself getting frustrated or angry at your ex, especially if this is your first time or two having to juggle different household holiday calendars.

Hold fast to the goal of not speaking ill of their other parent or showing obvious signs of anger or frustration. Children take this personally and inevitably feel like it’s their fault.
Set a financial cap on each household’s gift-giving so there’s no temptation to “win” with the kids because one or the other gives better gifts.
Take time out to revisit the calendar together and make sure that any visitation changes are in the calendar and agreed upon in writing (emails are better than texts for this).
If geography permits, ensure your children have time to spend with their grandparents on both sides, even if that means taking time out of your own visiting schedule. The grandparent-grandchild relationship can be a huge benefit to your children’s emotional wellbeing, so don’t deny them that – even if it’s painful or challenging for you.

Health co-parenting helps to raise emotionally balanced and healthy children. It should always be a year-round top priority.

Find time to grieve your divorce during the holidays

A divorce is a type of death, and there is so much grief inherent in the dissolution of a marriage. It can take years to recover, and the holidays heighten our awareness of grief in our lives. Take time to honor your sadness rather than feeling like you have to cover it up.

Schedule a coffee/phone date with a friend or loved one who can listen and support you.
Go on a ranting walk with a fellow divorced friend or co-worker to vent some of that energy.
Journal your feelings or type them out.
If you live with other people, the shower is a good place to cry without anyone noticing.
Watch sad movies that help you be more present with your own sadness.

The more you honor your emotions, the more they free up inside your body, creating more space for the good ones.

Give yourself lots of calendar flexibility

There’s a good chance you won’t feel like attending the typical number of holiday gatherings and events. That’s perfectly normal. Just because you feel like attending the work party scheduled for next week doesn’t mean you’ll feel like going on the actual day.

Say “No,” to any event you don’t want to attend. If you go, odds are it will only make you feel worse instead of better, and it uses up valuable energy that could be spent doing something that nourishes you.
Block in extra time to be alone if possible (consider babysitting swaps with friends if funds are tight).
Use “Maybe” RSVPs anytime so you’re not locked in.
Remember that we can celebrate the holidays and special events on any calendar day, so it’s okay to postpone or create a make-up day if that’s easier for you (if you’re a parent in the midst of a battle about who gets the kids on an exact holiday, this is an opportunity to teach your children that holidays are about family and they can spend another holiday celebration with you the day before, or after, or the next weekend).

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Wishes You Ease-ful Holiday Moments

While this may not be the merriest holiday for you, the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone hopes that these tips will provide more moments of ease for you during this traditionally festive season.

If you’re planning on moving forward with a divorce during the holidays, our family law practice focuses on divorce and child custody mediation services that support couples with a minimum of the tension or drama that is inherent in traditional courtroom proceedings. Contact our office to schedule a consultation.

Statute Of Limitations On Annulment In California

statute of limitations on annulment in california Annulments differ from divorces because they terminate and erase the legal marriage contract. An annulment determines that the marriage was never legally valid, so it doesn’t exist in the legal record.

However, unlike a divorce that can be filed for at any point during a marriage, there are statutes of limitation on when – and why – you can file for an annulment. If you don’t file within those limitations, you must pursue a divorce instead.

The best way to proceed with an annulment is to contact a family law expert who works with annulment cases. This ensures your paperwork is filed correctly and that it continues through the family law courts.

File Marriage Annulments Within Four Years Or Less

In most cases, you’ll want to file the petition for a marriage annulment within four years of your marriage date. Going beyond that date can make the marriage legal in the eyes of the family law court, forcing you to file for divorce instead.

Annulments are the way to go if your case qualifies and you want to terminate the marriage because they are almost always more straightforward, less stressful, and affordable.

Annulments With Four-Year Statute Of Limitations

Here is a more detailed list of the legal grounds for filing for an annulment in California, which has a four-year statute of limitations.

You were a minor (less than 18 years old)

It is illegal to get married as a minor in California without parental permission. However, even with your parents’ permission, your marriage may be null and void if you married before turning 18.

The marriage is a fraud (you were tricked into it)

If you can prove that you were tricked into the marriage and the marriage was a fraud, meaning you were tricked into it based on misrepresentations of who the other person was, the marriage can be annulled.

Marriage by force

A marriage is only legal if it is entered willingly and with consent by two legal adults. If one or the other parties were forced or threatened into the marriage, it could be annulled.

Mental illness

If there is any proof that mental illness played a role in the decision-making leading up to the divorce, you may have grounds for annulment. In this case, you may need support from a licensed mental health professional or therapist to prove you were unable to make a sound decision regarding marriage at the time.

However, it’s worth noting that mental health issues can play a role in the terms of child custody and visitation agreements. So, if you have children and are pursuing an annulment, citing you were not mentally sound at the time you were married, we highly advise seeking legal help beforehand to protect your rights as a parent.

Physical inability to consummate the marriage

If either party cannot physically consummate the marriage, it may qualify for annulment. This cause for annulment is less common now but still happens when a couple practices celibacy (with one or both parties believing intercourse is possible after marriage). If one or both are physically unable to consummate the marriage, the contract is void.

The exception to this rule would be if you knew that your partner was physically unable to consummate the marriage, and you chose to marry them anyway. In this case, the judge may not grant an annulment and may direct you to file a divorce instead.

Some Grounds For Annulment Have No Statute Of Limitations

In a few cases, your marriage is considered null and void, no matter what. While this can be viewed as an “annulment,” the law considers the marriage as never having been legal in the first place. That said, one or both parties must file an annulment to finalize the removal of their marriage license and marriage certificate from the public record.

Examples of marriages that are not legally recognized by the courts include:

Marrying someone who’s already legally married

If your spouse was legally married to someone else and you didn’t know it, you can file for annulment to erase the record of your marriage. If your partner legally divorces their original spouse, you can remarry.

Bigamy (multiple husbands/wives)

In some ways, this is the same as marrying someone already legally married. However, in the first case, the second spouse doesn’t know their partner is already married.

Bigamy is different because the second and any succeeding partners know their partner is married, but they choose to get married anyway. The practice of bigamy is still illegal in the United States court system. So, the second and any succeeding husbands/wives are never considered legal spouses in the family court’s eyes.

If the second and succeeding marriage(s) was never filed through the legal court system (fraudulent), then no annulment is required. If, however, those marriages were filed, an annulment would be pursued if any of the successive spouses wanted to get out of the marriage and erase any legal record of their participation. Again, if you had children within a bigamy arrangement, we recommend seeking advice from a legal professional before proceeding with the annulment.

One party thought their spouse was dead

This is not considered bigamy or a deception. In this case, a person truly thought their first spouse was dead. However, if the supposedly dead person emerges from hiding or regains memory after a lapse in memory, the first marriage is still legal, and the second marriage is considered never legal.

Depending on the situation, the most recent marriage can be annulled, and a divorce from the original spouse can be pursued. If the original spouse doesn’t want a divorce and refuses to agree, you can still pursue that divorce and legally remarry the second spouse again.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Can Help You With Your Annulment

Are you interested in pursuing an annulment in the Bay Area? The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone can help. We focus on mediation as a way to de-escalate complicated terminations of marriage. We can also help you file for annulment and navigate the terms of your child custody and visitation agreements if you had a child within the annulment statute of limitations.

How To Prepare Your Children For Divorce

how to prepare your children for divorce We can cite research all day long about how important it is to maintain a healthy, honest, and cooperative approach to prepare your children for divorce. But your children’s hearts, spirits, and well-being should always be the guiding force.

Using a divorce mediator, rather than a traditional lawyer, can create a more seamless, conflict-free arena for divorce decisions. The less conflict and animosity there is, the easier it will be to prepare your children for a divorce.

Seven Things You Can Do To Ease Your Children’s Divorce Experience

If you are heading towards a divorce, there are several things you can do to help prepare your children – and support them through – an experience that will be excruciatingly painful, no matter how well you do your job.

Always always always take the high road

First and foremost, you absolutely must “take the high road” at all times. Children deserve to have an individual and independent relationship with each parent without that being tainted by the other parent’s story. This isn’t always easy, but it’s essential.

If you want to support your children’s emotional health and create a robust and healthy foundation for future co-parenting (more on that in #4), you must put any reactive, spiteful, or angry feelings toward your spouse to the side whenever you’re speaking in front of, within earshot, or directly to your children.

Anything you say that is insulting, vengeful, or disparaging about their other parent hurts your children. Period. The interpersonal issues that led to your divorce have absolutely NOTHING to do with your children, and it should stay that way.

Remember that you’re still a family even if you’re not a couple

One of the great misconceptions about divorce is that you’re no longer a family. Any divorced couple can tell you that’s not the truth. You may not want to be with your spouse anymore, but you will always be a part of each others’ lives if you have children together. That also means that any future partners of yours or your partners will also become a part of your “family.”

Holding this view of the extended family model is one of the best things you can do to keep that “high road” or “big picture” perspective we talked about above.

Invest in an experienced family therapist

Family and child/adolescent therapy can be an essential foundation for preparing for a divorce – and maintaining the healthy co-parenting relationship that will carry your children through the divorce and into their young adult years.

People mistakenly believe that therapy that doesn’t save the marriage is a waste of money. If you have children, we believe therapy is a crucial foundation for couples and their children because it helps families cultivate communication skills, co-parenting agreements, and how to assess their children’s needs above what each parent wants or sees as “best.”

Create a co-parenting plan

We can’t speak highly enough about the benefits of a co-parenting plan. These agreements can evolve and change with the family’s needs.

This cooperative plan honors the commitment to your children’s well-being as well as your own. Co-parenting plans fare best when they’re viewed as “living documents” that can be revised as life inevitably changes.

Most co-parenting plans incorporate:

Reiterations of the current child custody/visitation plan or related co-parenting schedules.
How changes in visitation/vacations/holidays should occur.
Common house rules that keep things consistent from household to household (essential for helping children transition back and forth).
How disagreements between parents will be resolved.
Etc.

Working with your family law mediator or therapist can help you create a customized co-parenting plan that supports everyone’s best interests.

Present the news and general plan together to prepare your children for divorce

Remember that no matter how amicable the divorce may seem from your end, it will still turn your children’s world upside down. Even the “best” of divorces are traumatic for children and affect them for the rest of their lives.

With this in mind, you must present a united parenting front – even if you can’t be a united marital front – when it comes to communicating about the divorce with your children.

What to say – and not say – largely depends on your children’s ages, so we recommend reading Today’s Parent’s post, How to tell kids about divorce: An age-by-age guide.

Your ability to maintain a united parent front, regardless of how separate or fragmented your relationship is, makes a tremendous difference in your children’s sense of trust and stability.

Practice healthy communication strategies

Your ability to co-parent absolutely rests on a foundation of healthy communication. However, using healthy communication strategies with your children is also important. Depending on your child’s age and feelings about the situation, the latter may be harder than you think.

Children experience hurt, anger, and blame, and they are apt to vent that right onto you. Again, a good family therapist can be a godsend. However, be prepared to remain calm and non-reactive if your children:

Blame you for the divorce.
Seem sullen and angry.
Say hurtful things to you, like “No wonder dad/mom wanted a divorce. I wouldn’t want to be married to you either.”
Continue processing the divorce for years afterward as their age/awareness brings up new feelings or awarenesses.

The best thing you can do is continue encouraging them to be honest (albeit respectful – you don’t have to become a whipping post by any means!) about their feelings.

Help them put words to their complicated thoughts and emotions.
Reassure them that nothing about the divorce is their fault.
Do bring your ex-spouse into the equation (scheduling a family meeting if necessary) if you suspect manipulation or one-sided information is coming to the table so that everything remains transparent between households. When your kids see that they can’t play one side against the other, they stop trying.
Avoid the tendency to “fix.” There is nothing that can be fixed, so just being present with their emotions, validating that they’re normal and expected, and just listening is the best thing you can do.

Focus on stability between households (more than exact routines)

The reality is that there are two separate households now, and they cannot possibly be “the same.” So, the goal of the co-parenting agreement should be to establish some core values/rules/consistency that provide stability – but that honor the reality of a two-household family.

Areas we recommend prioritizing consistency:

Bedtimes/wake times (especially for school days).
Tech time/screen time limits.
Natural outcomes for certain actions so that consequences are fairly standard between households.
Protocols for hanging out with friends/sleepovers, etc. (like needing 24-hour notice, or communicating with the friend’s parents ahead of time, ensuring each parent knows when a child will be staying elsewhere, and so on).

Resist spoiling a child, being more of a friend than a parent, or the urge to “win” when it comes to who’s the better parent or has the better household. These temptations do far more harm than good, and there is ample research to support that.

Gerard A. Falzone Helps You Prepare Your Children For Divorce

We understand that most parents prefer to scaffold a divorce that does the least amount of harm to their children. However, the more stressful and emotional things become, the harder this can be.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have always prioritized divorces that utilize mediation or collaborative divorce methods to help parents and children create a healthy road ahead. Contact us to schedule a consultation and to begin finding healthy ways to prepare your children for divorce.

What Are The Most Common Times Of Year People Get Divorced?

what are the most common times of year people get divorced

You may have heard that January is dubbed “Divorce Month.” However, while the post-holiday season may be a time when people seriously consider divorce, March, August, and September are the months when the most divorces are filed in California.

There are several reasons for this, which we discuss below. We’ll also dig into some of the most common reasons why people divorce and what marital years tend to be the most stressful, which can also lead to filing a divorce.

Spring & Fall Are California’s Divorce Seasons

While January may be a popular month for couples to seek divorce mediation or counseling, they don’t usually file until around March. This is when we see record highs for divorce filings, which also seem to surge around August and September.

Top Reasons People Get Divorced In March & August/September

Concentrated time together is a trigger, as evidenced by the pandemic years, which spanned 2020 – 2022. Divorce proceedings took place at record numbers during those years for the same reasons couples are more likely to file for a divorce during spring and late summer to early fall.

Concentrated time together brings issues to a head

People are busy, and children have never participated in so many extracurricular activities as they do now. With most households containing two working parents and busy kids, there isn’t a whole lot of concentrated family time and even less concentrated “couple time.” As a result, it’s easier for couples to shove their issues under the rug or to just feel too busy to do anything about their problems.

The holidays bring about more time off, and this downtime allows couples to experience just how strained their marriage really is. Other factors also come to a head around the holiday season, forcing the hand.

Some of these include differences around:

How to manage finances.
Alcohol or recreational drug consumption (which could lead to changes in custody arrangements or supervised visitation).
Parenting strategies.

By the time couples determine they want to proceed with the divorce, it’s March—and family law professionals refer to this as “The January Effect.”

Summertime has the same effect. As couples take time off for both vacations and staycations, the fact they feel tense, irritated, or angry with one another becomes impossible to hide. One or the other is bound to announce they want a divorce. Thus, we see the same type of January Effect, but it takes place in August and September.

It’s the start of a brand-new year

January brings the start of a new year, and many people take this opportunity to clear out the old and make new resolutions for a better life. If they’ve been struggling to make their marriage work, moving forward with a divorce may become one or the other’s New Year’s resolution.

The Institute of Family Studies reports that before about 15 to 20 years of marriage, 25% of all married people think about getting a divorce at one time or another. Of these, about half have thought about getting a divorce for about a year, and roughly 5% say they consider their marriage 100% over – with no chance of being saved.

It’s these chronic divorce thinkers who are most likely to use a new year to catalyze moving into a legitimate separation or divorce.

A change in schools may be part of the divorce

We mentioned that all that summer break together can catalyze the August and September divorcees. But, there may be another reason that’s more linked to the kids.

If the summertime stretch was too much for a fragile marriage to hangle, upcoming changes might mean a change in schools or districts for the kids. While this can be tricky, parents who are planning a move that would affect school zones or transportation. Filing in August or September, just at the start of a new school year, can legitimize the need for the transfer or new enrollment.

Biggest Factors That Lead To Divorce

Couples may decide to get divorced at any point in their marriage. However, certain periods of a marriage are considered “higher risk” when it comes to divorce. These include:

The first two years of marriage.
Years five through eight (often described as “the seven-year itch.”
After the children grow up and move out of the house.

While there are exceptions, most divorces are caused by tensions or irreconcilable differences around:

Lack of connection or intimacy

Most couples can work through “the doldrums,” or a period of time when there’s no breeze in the relationship. One or both partners may feel neglected emotionally or physically. While this is very common during the childbearing years, it can happen at any point in a marriage.

We highly recommend all couples considering a divorce pursue individual and couples therapy with a therapist you both like and trust. Divorce is often avoided when both people are willing to put down their armor and openly communicate.

Fidelity (or monogamy)

This is a very challenging thing for a monogamous person to get over. Again, marriage therapy can be invaluable here. Regardless of what you decide to do, remember that adult business should always be kept separate from co-parenting business. Children fare best emotionally and mentally when parents can rise above and use healthy co-parenting practices.

Financial beliefs or practices

Money is a major subject of marital arguments. If someone is out of work or the household has financial struggles, arguments are more common. The same is true if one person spends more money than the other.

For a marriage to survive, both partners must have shared goals for their future together. By default, this means they must be united in their financial goals/management strategies.

Plans for the future

While this may crop up in the first ten years or so, especially if one person wants children and the other decides they don’t, differences around future plans are a common root of “gray divorces.”

Gray divorces describe a divorce in couples 50+ who have been married for decades. Typically, the above three causes are factors. However, differences in how to spend their retirement can cause significant rifts in what was formerly a seemingly solid partnership. One or the other partner may also desire to get divorced after raising the family because they never really wanted to be married – or married to their spouse – in the first place.

The reason(s) you got married

Sometimes divorces happen because one or the other partner finally acknowledges they never wanted to get married in the first place. This happens for a number of reasons. In some cases, a pregnancy is involved. For others, marriage may happen to please parents or to conform to societal norms.

Regardless, saving a marriage founded on a false or misaligned foundation can be very challenging or impossible.

Schedule Divorce Mediation At The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone

As we head into the fall, we’re noticing an increase in requests for divorce mediation, which is a more neutral, less stressful, and more affordable way to pursue a divorce in California. Couples who use mediation not only save thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars in legal fees, but they also get through the process with far less overall emotionally damaging fallout for themselves and their children.

Contact The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone to start learning more about divorce mediation. I’ve helped individuals and couples move smoothly and efficiently through the challenges of divorcing for more than 40 years. Let’s have a conversation and see whether I’m a good fit for your situation.

When Do You Need A Paternity Lawyer?

when do you need a paternity lawyer

California has very clear laws about parental responsibilities, including child support, for biological or adopted children. A family law or paternity attorney is always recommended if:

Someone claims you are the father of a child, but you don’t believe you are.
You suspect you are the father, and the mother is denying your parental rights.
Your relationship with the child(ren)’s mother is contentious or combative, and you want to set clear guidelines and legally binding agreements in the future.

Benefits Of Hiring A Family Law Attorney Or Paternity Lawyer

The longer you wait to hire a family lawyer and resolve any potential paternity conflicts, the better. Here are some of the many benefits of hiring a paternity lawyer for professional and objective support.

Support your child’s emotional well-being

First and foremost, creating a clear path to establishing paternity (or the lack thereof) is essential to your child’s emotional well-being. In most cases, paternity cases occur when the child is in the first one to two years of life. Even so, children are significantly impacted by any anger, drama, strain, or tension between the adults in their lives.

In some cases, this may mean that you are out of the loop because the paternity test proved you were not the father. In other cases, we’ll help you move forward by honoring your legal and emotional obligations for a healthy relationship with your child. If you find out you are the father of an older child, consider working with a family therapist to help you bond and work through challenging emotions as they arise.

Use child custody mediation instead of a trial

Child custody battles are costly on every front: financially, energetically, and emotionally. They should be avoided if at all possible. Pursuing child custody mediation is a very affordable way for you and the child’s other parent to navigate all of the current decisions – and to help you both create longer-term co-parenting agreements (See #5) in a calm, straightforward way. Plus, working with a mediator can save you thousands of dollars.

Working with a neutral, third-party family law mediator ensures you both have all of the information you need, along with experienced insight into how a judge would likely decide things in the courtroom. Thus, you can navigate the child support, custody, visitation, and other legal agreements as efficiently and drama-free as possible.

Get clear and current with financial child support responsibilities

California family law courts take a very black-and-white approach when it comes to child custody. If you are the father – whether you knew about it or not – you are responsible for child support payments. Period.

This includes back payment for the time between when the child was born and the present. You should know that back child support payments in CA are charged at 10% interest by the state, and that is payable to the custodial parent. Not clarifying what you owe and how to pay it is one of the biggest child support mistakes you can make.

Time is of the essence here. With the support of a paternity attorney, we can work with you to complete the CA child support calculator (and legally obtain the other parent’s financial records if they’re not cooperating) so you can begin taking care of your financial responsibility.

In cases where fathers find out months or even years later that they are fathers, a timely response yields a more favorable view from the judges. This can help you when it’s time to craft child custody and visitation schedules.

Create legal child custody and visitation agreements

The courts are very supportive of both parents having ample time with their children, whether they were married or in a relationship with the other parent or not. Having legal child custody agreements and visitation schedules is essential. It creates the scaffold for predictability, consistency, and routine for the child. Of course, life happens and there may be variances that are agreed upon (always get them in writing via email or text record) but that court schedule should serve as the foundation for collaborative co-parenting.

NOTE: If you feel the safety of the child is in question as the result of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse OR due to substance abuse/mental health issues, your family law or paternity lawyer can also help you file an emergency child custody order to protect your child’s best interests.

Set the stage for positive (or at least neutral) co-parenting

It’s not easy co-parenting with another adult, especially as the adults move on with their lives. However, all of the studies prove that adults who can rise above the conflicts/tension, focusing on the child’s well-being and smooth co-parenting exponentially benefit their child.

Children with parents who get along or at least cooperate around their child’s lives:

Do better in school.
Have reduced risks of depression, anxiety, or behavioral issues.
Form healthier and more stable relationships with their peers.
Sleep better.
Are more confident and have a better sense of self.
Never feel torn between being loyal or protective of either parent.

Your paternity attorney can help you work with the child’s other parent to create co-parenting agreements that outline the preferred methods of communication, child support payments, vacation notice, etc.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Can Support Your Paternity Process

Contact the law office of Gerard A. Falzone to learn more about how we can support you as you establish paternity and begin navigating the legal paperwork and filing associated with child support, custody, and visitation. We’ve spent the last 40 years helping Bay Area parents create co-parenting plans that support everyone’s well-being without the drama and trauma typically associated with these types of scenarios.

What Is Supervised Visitation?

what is supervised visitation Most people think about child custody and visitation schedules as every other weekend, alternating holidays, or the division of school vacation times. However, there is another version of the child custody agreement where one parent has sole physical custody of a child while the other parent is granted supervised visits.

Family Law Expert Explains Child Custody & Supervised Visitation

Supervised visits can take place in a variety of locations, but they are limited in time and require that a neutral third party be present while the non-custodial parent is present (more on that below). They are typically ordered in child custody cases where the non-custodial parent’s “fitness” is questionable or has conditional stipulations.

When To Seek Supervised Visits

Judges are most likely to order supervised child visits when:

The parent has a known substance abuse issue.
There are allegations/history of domestic violence or child abuse.
There are allegations or a history of domestic violence.
The court believes there is a child abduction risk.
There is a history of unmanaged mental illness that compromises their ability to parent safely.
The parent is guilty of child neglect (which can include an extended absence of the parent from a child’s life, in which case the court grants supervised visits for a specific length of time to help the child feel safer in the parent’s presence).
Any reason a judge feels could pose a threat to the child during unsupervised visits.

Keep in mind that you cannot keep your child away from a parent because you feel they are dangerous. If that is the case, it’s essential that you contact your county family law courts or a reputable family attorney to file an emergency child custody and visitation order.

Who Qualifies As A Neutral Provider During Supervised Visitation Sessions?

California’s family law courts are very flexible about who is designated as the “neutral” provider who supervises the visit, but specific conditions must be met. If those aren’t met by someone you or the child knows, the court assigns a social worker, and their reasonable fee is paid for by the non-custodial parent (free and low-cost options are available for income-qualifying parents).

If the court orders supervised child visits, you can decide whether you have a qualifying non-professional provider willing to do the job (this is often more comfortable for the child) or whether a professional provider would be best.

The role of the neutral supervisor is to:

Make safety their top priority during the visit or exchange.
Speak the same language as the parents and child.
Be neutral
Be comfortable following the judge’s order.
Feel comfortable ending a visit if needed.

They also agree to:

Be present at all times during the visit.
Listen to what is being said.
Pay close attention to the child’s behavior.
Report any suspected child abuse.
Feel comfortable interrupting or ending the visit if they have concerns.

Because nonprofessional providers don’t have the same training as professionals, we don’t recommend using one if you believe your child is in physical danger or could be abducted during a visit – even with the neutral provider present. In that case, a professional provider is a better option.

Nonprofessional providers

Non-professional providers can be any trusted family member or friend who:

Is over 18 years of age.
Has NO record of child abuse, molestation, or any crime against another person.
Has not been on parole or probation for the past 10 years.
Has reviewed the child custody agreement and understands the responsibility and how to carry out their role.
Does not create any antagonism, negative engagement, confrontation, or angst toward the child’s non-custodial parent.
Must complete Form FL-324(NLP) and return it to the custodial parent to file with the court.

They should also read and familiarize themselves with the CA court’s Guide For Non-Professional Providers, which has a wealth of helpful information.

Professional Providers

If a suitable nonprofessional option is unavailable, the judge can assign a professional provider. These providers have been trained for the task and know how to handle sticky or potentially dangerous situations.

Professional providers may require payment if the non-custodial parent doesn’t qualify for free or low-cost options.

How Long Are Supervised Visits With Children?

The length of visits varies depending on:

The age of the child.
Work/school schedules.
Availability of the provider.

In addition to the child’s comfort, safety, and well-being, parents should always focus on quality over quantity. It’s much better to schedule shorter visits filled with fun bonding activities than to plan a longer visit where a child grows bored, restless, or anxious. These visits are all about building trust and strong, loving relationships.

When Can More Traditional Unsupervised Visitation Begin?

There’s no easy answer to this question and the court is the ultimate deciding factor here.

Sometimes, the court stipulates specific conditions that must be met by the non-custodial parent, after which unsupervised visitation commences. This is very common in situations where addiction or substance abuse is the most concerning factor. Once the parent has completed things like rehab, established a sponsor, and regularly attends a sobriety program (like AA or NA), they may automatically resume a pre-determined visitation schedule assigned by the court.

In other cases, the non-custodial parent may have to petition the court to request changes to the child custody agreement. Again, they are responsible for proving to the court that they are fit enough to have unsupervised visits or to have more traditional, extended visits with their child.

Use Child Mediation To Avoid Scenarios Leading To Supervised Child Visitation

A history of domestic abuse or child endangerment is one thing, but sometimes, it is the toxicity between divorcing adults that leads to a temporary supervised visitation schedule. And, while it might seem like vindictive punishment to the parent who’s lost custody, it’s more harmful to the child or children who are stripped of yet another element that brought them a sense of security and stability in their lives.

The more couples can do to prioritize their children’s mental and emotional health, including using divorce mediation or collaborative divorce options, the less likely one or the other is to make rash decisions that lead to unhealthy outcomes for the children and family.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone are committed to keeping divorces as straightforward as possible, minimizing toxic contention, stress, and drama. Contact us to learn more about how we help Bay Area couples get through their divorces while prioritizing everyone’s well-being.

Therapy Before A Divorce: Beyond Saving The Marriage

therapy before a divorce beyond saving the marriage Divorce is never an easy path, but working with an experienced therapist can certainly ease the way forward into a healthy and more sustainable relational life.

The combination of family therapy before and during a divorce, along with the skilled facilitation of a divorce mediator, can truly transform the way both parties move through the divorce proceedings.

5 Reasons To Seek Therapy Before A Divorce

People often assume that seeing a therapist before a divorce is about saving the marriage. While this may—and can—be true from time to time, most individuals or couples are sure about their decision by the time they file for divorce.

Even so, I always recommend that they visit a therapist of some kind before, during, and immediately after the proceedings. Here’s why:

Facilitate the smoothest way forward

Nobody benefits from a contentious divorce. In addition to being incredibly expensive, drawn-out divorces, which are often more about ego than they are about finding the fairest way to separate and begin a new life, are hard on everyone.

Your therapist can help you both process individual emotions – including anger, stress, betrayal, stress, etc. – while also helping you both learn to communicate respectfully and decide the best way forward with the least amount of time, energy, and money wasted.

Ensure your children have the support they need

Children are innocent bystanders in a divorce. The statistics are very clear that children whose parents are divorced are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and trouble in the classroom.

Most therapists will tell you that it takes at least four sessions for most clients (of any age) to be comfortable sharing the good, the bad, and the embarrassing with them. One or two sessions are not enough to determine how your child is faring, especially if your child is more introverted by nature or is in the tween/teen phase. By continuing to see a therapist week after week, you allow your child to slowly build trust and rapport with the therapist. Over time, children will feel more comfortable sharing how they are genuinely doing, which can provide invaluable insight into how to continue moving forward as a co-parenting family (more on that next).

The ramifications of divorce last for years. While this doesn’t mean your child needs to be in therapy for years, longer is better than shorter when it comes to children feeling comfortable expressing their feelings and finding the personalized tools that help them process intense emotions as they come up.

Parents benefit from therapy too

I recommend seeing the same therapist individually and with your child (from time to time). The better the therapist gets a feel for each family member and hears their story, the better they can help your family in the long run when it comes to problem-solving and co-parenting agreements – as well as how to handle big family issues when they come up.

Establish healthy co-parenting from the start with therapy before a divorce

Even if you live in the same house during the divorce, co-parenting begins as soon as the divorce is officially in motion. Cooperative co-parenting and communication are essential to your children’s resilience and well-being.

The research is clear that children thrive faster and with greater confidence when their divorced parents:

Never badmouth one another to the children.
Resist the urge to be “the better parent” and encourage their child’s relationship with the other parent.
Adhere to the co-parenting and family agreements.
Accept that parenting styles may be different and focus on the shared agreements instead.
Be flexible within reason; your child custody/visitation agreement is a guide, but important and unexpected events are part of life.
Do your best to support your ex’s future partners so your children can feel more at home in their presence. This is not a competition.

I could go on and on, but these, as well as other tenets of good parenting and co-parenting, are all part of what your family therapist will help you iron out and uphold.

Remember, co-parenting agreements are living documents that evolve and change with the situation. Your therapist will be there for you as needed through the coming years of raising children and young adults together.

Your personal well-being

You know the adage about “putting your oxygen mask on first” before helping someone else. The more depleted, drained, stressed, or angry you are, the harder it will be for you to take the high road during the divorce and afterward.

Keep in mind that although “your divorce may be over,” there is far more to it than that. There is plenty to do after a divorce is finalized in terms of separating the accounts, rebuilding a home and routine, and honoring all of the things stated in the divorce agreement. In the meantime, you’ll be working through the grief associated with the end of the marriage and the family unit you’ve built together.

By taking care of yourself and working with a trusted therapist, you’ll learn how to work through the powerful emotions that are guaranteed to arise from time to time in a functional way that doesn’t harm your children.

The Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone Support Mediated & Collaborative Divorce

Divorces don’t have to be the dark, contentious, and dramatic horror shows modeled for us by television and the modern media. Using divorce mediation and collaborative divorce models, the Law Offices of Gerard A. Falzone have provided safe and comfortable spaces for both parties to review the facts and where legal disputes can be discussed – and hopefully resolved – to both parties’ satisfaction.

I can also provide referrals to some of the area’s most admired family therapists, who can partner with you further to keep everyone as emotionally whole as possible through this challenging time. Contact my office to schedule a consultation and learn more about how I can help with therapy before a divorce.